Castle of Glass
by Mickeycatorangeya
Summary: This is Dan and Phil's third year of school at St. Jude's boarding school. For Dan this means making the best of his last year going to all the big parties, and drinking. For Phil this means one last year in hell. But everyones plans change when a very bubbly Aussie is roomed with Dan's brother. Who's ready for this train wreck?
1. Welcome to My Life

Dan POV

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><p>You know how when you're a little kid, and on Christmas Eve you can't fall asleep, because you're so excited for Christmas. Yeah well the same exact thing was happening to me except tomorrow wasn't Christmas, it was the first day of school.<p>

I go to St. Jude's on the other side of Manchester, but it's only about forty-five minutes to an hour. You see it's my last year of school and I intend to make it my best. Get good grades, go to wild parties, and get drunk. My aspirations aren't exactly ideal, but nobody asks for much out of me.

I was pretty popular, most people kissed my feet and bowed down. That's not what I want, so I don't think I've ever had a real best friend. Sure there was Adam and Drew, but they had each other. Hopefully I make my best friend this year.

Doubtful.

Finally sleep overcame me and before I knew it, it was 6am and Johnathan was banging at my door. I have a total of three siblings. There's Michael the genius fifteen year old stoner. Then there's Johnathan he's only five and relatively quiet, unless you acknowledge his existence then he won't shut up.

And on to my least favorite; Vivian. She's the oldest at 23. She goes to some really pretentious university for snobs, and her fiancé, Preston. Ew.

He goes to Harvard and I think that's the only reason my parents let him stay. Now if he could get that stick out of his ass, that'd be another story. The only friend of hers that I actually like is probably Tyler, he's an American with a bachelors in, Arts in Video Postproduction He's hoping to improve his YouTube channel.

I swung my feet over the edge of my bed to let John in and to stop his incessant screeching. I pulled open the door and smiled down at him. No matter how obnoxious he can be, he's still adorable.

"Time to wake up! We got stuff to do!" He giggled. I laughed and bent down to scoop him up into my arms.

"That we do. Now, why don't you go and wake up Junna for breakfast?" I told him as I squished his little body against mine.

"Aye, aye Captain!" He all but yelled and then sped down the hall.

Junna is our exchange student from Japan. She's only been here a week, and yet she's settled down nicely. Her dad and my dad are business partners, and she decided she wanted to become fluent in English, so my parents offered to house her.

I was really excited to have her here and she's been an absolute delight. I'll help her with her English and she teaches me a little Japanese. Junna's going to St. Jude's with me this year and her room is just two halls away from mine.

I must have been standing in the door way longer than I thought because here comes Johnathan, with Junna and Michael in tow.

"Morning, Junna, Mikey." I greeted. I only got a non-committed grunt from Michael, and a tired smile from Junna.

I heard my mother's yell for breakfast and to hurry before it got cold and we all scurried to the table. Waffles, yum!

"We need to leave in about half an hour, your things are already, in the car." My mother drilled, like she does every year.

"Oh, I can't believe my little babies are growing up! Dan it's your last year, Michael you're almost done, and Johnathan is starting kindergarten! Oh it's all just too much!" She sobbed. "I can't get emotional on the first day, I'm sorry I'll calm down." She turned on her heel and to go and sort a few more things before our departure.

"Is she alright?" Junna questioned.

"Yeah she's fine. She does that every year." Michael reassured.

"I thinks it's just particularly harder for her this year now that John's going to school, too." I added.

Junna nodded in understanding and we all stood up one by one until everyone one was done. We piled up the stairs to get dressed and brush our teeth.

I walked into my room and into my closet grabbing some black skinny jeans and a dark grey shirt, quickly changing. I grabbed a bag from one of my dressers and went back into my room grabbing my backpack, laptop, IPod, earbuds, and my 3ds.

I shoved all those things into the bag and went downstairs to join the rest of the family. We quickly crammed into the car, we were a little cramped because of Johns' car seat, but once we dropped him off we could throw it in the back.

"Alright everyone buckled? Let's go!" My mother exclaimed and we were soon off down the road.

Yeah this year was gonna be great.

Phil POV

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><p><em>This year is gonna be awful<em>! I thought to myself. I didn't get my usual room by myself and I was terrified of who it could be. Life sucked at home and life sucked at school and to top it all off I now had a roommate who could be a potential bully.

I slung my bag over my shoulder and walked out the door. No breakfast for me because apparently I had done something wrong. _Again._ I could never do anything right in the eyes of my parents.

Ever since eighth grade when I kissed a boy my parents have never treated me the same. Whenever I was _bad_ they took a way food and then they sent me to a boarding school. Before then I was there perfect little child who never got in trouble and was the top of his class.

My parents are very strict religious people and when they heard about my little "incident" well let's just say that was the worst week of my life.

I clambered into the back of the car my stomach growling slightly. I was always hungry. But I eventually got used to the hunger. It doesn't bother me as much anymore.

Now the one thing that I haven't got used to is the clothes. My parents never but me anything now and I have to get by with way to small clothes and ripped hand-me-downs from my friends, from my old school.

I heard the car door slam and saw that my dad was in the front putting the key into the ignition. I decided to grumble out a 'good morning' but I was met with total silence. Always silence.

I hated it. Another thing I have yet to have gotten used to.

We drove down the worn down cement to St. Jude's. We passed the towns high school, the one I was supposed to go to. The one where I wasn't bullied, where I actually had friends. But no, I was going to the same stupid school an hour away, where I got beat up daily.

My parents never did anything about it, they thought it would teach me a lesson, just like going to this school would. Well for a fact it hadn't. Still gay.

We sped through the town and were close to the outskirts now, almost to the school, in that awful deadly silence.

My dad stopped about a block away seeing the traffic and not wanting to get stuck in it, so he dropped me off on the street and I had to walk the rest of the way. Yup, A+ parenting Dad!

I started my trek to the old stone building and by the time I reached it people were filing in and my legs were aching. I made my way to the front office and signed in getting the key to my new room. It was only one two floors up so I wouldn't be doing much more walking today.

I pushed past all the bustling students who were done settling in and saying goodbye to their parents, and soon found myself at my door.

I hesitated but slowly opened my door to reveal my roommate for the year._ Please don't be a bully! Please!_

What lay beyond that door was far worse than having a bully in my room. It was Dan Howell the most popular boy in school, with his stoner brother, and mother.

_Seriously?_

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><p><strong>HI! This is my first phan fanfiction and the idea was given to me by my friend Sorro_54. We spent a good hour and a half planning this at her house. The plot sounds like a crappy mid-day soap opera. That's why I'm writing it. Any way please tell me what you think! It'll make me unbelievably happy! I'm posting this from my Wattpad and I'll have all three chapters up tonight! Ta ta!<strong>


	2. Fall into Sleep

**WARNING! Mentions of abuse, bullying, homophobic slurs, and crap writing! I in no way condone to this behavior.**

Dan POV

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><p>We stopped at Junnas' room first as hers was on the first floor. Michael and I helped her bring everything into her room, and left her to meet up with her new roommate.<p>

My room next.

They hadn't told me who my roommate was, just that I was having one this year, as there was a shortage of rooms, and I couldn't have one to myself. Michael was just finishing putting a few suitcases on the floor when I heard a small knock and the door open.

All I saw was a tall figure and a black fringe, and I knew exactly who it was and turned away from him not planning on greeting him.

"Hello, you must be Dan's roommate!" My mother exclaimed, always the chipper one. "What's your name dear?"

He just stood there looking shocked and shaking slightly. "His names Phil," Mikey supplied for him. "and we better get up to my room soon so I can meet my roommate."

"Oh I guess we better. It was nice meeting you Phil!" He nodded slightly, and I threw a few bags over my shoulder not looking at him or speaking to him.

We trudged down a few more halls and approached his room, but before we could do anything the door swung open and a short boy probably my age stood there looking quite shocked.

"Oh! Sorry I was just about to go down to the front desk to see if I really had a roommate, but here you are!" He laughed.

He was a handsome boy with large blue eyes, hair styled perfectly into a quiff, and his Australian accent was thick and smooth like honey.

"Yeah, sorry about that, had to drop off a few other people first. Names Michael, you?"

"That's all right, I'm Troye. Nice to meet you."

He stepped aside to let us in so we could drop Mikey's stuff off. A few words were exchanged between him and my mother, before she came over and wrapped us both in hugs, saying she must be off before Johnathan got off from school. And with that she scurried off down the hall leaving us in an awkward silence.

"Hey, Dan can I talk to you for a second outside." Michael said, it was not a question. He gripped my arm roughly and dragged me to the door. " 'Scuse me Troye, we'll only be a minute."

_He really could be such a gentleman sometimes_ I thought, right before he slammed me up against a wall.

Spoke too soon.

He leaned in really close, to where I could see the burning anger in his eyes. What could I have possibly done this time?

"You be nice to him!" He growled. "He has it hard enough without you screwing things up even more. I'm not asking you to be his best friend but at least don't be dick."

I didn't even have to ask him who he was talking about, I instantly knew. "I wasn't gonna!" I defended.

"Yeah right!" He snarled. "I will kick your ass if I hear one thing about you, bullying him! And that counts as verbal! Be civil, or don't talk to him at all."

I shove him off of me and glared at him. "I'll do as I please! Now, we better get back to your roommate before he suspects something."

He nodded and straightened up his collar before striding back into his room acting like nothing happened. "Sorry about that Troye, just needed to talk to my brother Dan. So I see you've settled down nicely."

"Yes I have thank you. How long have you been here? In case you couldn't tell it's my first year and I'm just really nervous that you'll be mean or won't like me." He rambled but I quickly cut him off.

"It's alright! We're pretty nice here. This is my seventh and last year here. Michael has just one more to go!"

His eyes widened slightly as he looked between me and Mikey. "Bu you can't be much older than fifteen! How is that possible?"

"Ah well let's just say he's my little genius!" I chuckled and ruffled his hair.

"So, Troye where ya from?" He said obviously wanting to get the conversation of himself and on to his new roommate.

"Oh! I lived in Australia for most of my life, if you couldn't tell. I stayed with my grandparents while my mum and dad traveled. Last year we settled down, but we arrived during mid-term so my parents decided to wait to apply me this year, so I'd have a better chance of making friends." He explained.

I noticed he had a habit of rushing when he was nervous, and I felt slightly guilty that he was like that. I decided that I was going to make him as comfortable as possible, he seemed really nice.

And just like that we became fast friends, the few hours before dinner flying by. I offered for Troye to eat with me and my friends, and he nodded enthusiastically saying, "Yes! Yes, I'd love to! I was worried about friends, and if they would sit with me or not."

"Ah, you'll be fine! They'll love you!" I reassured.

He gave me a small smile, and I threw my arm over his shoulder and steered him towards the door, then to the cafeteria.

"Hey Dan! Where ya been?" Drew shouted, one of my best friends since primary school. "And who's that with you?"

"Sorry I got a little distracted and forgot. This here is Troye. He's Mikey's new roommate. Troye these are my friends!" He was greeted by a few slight mumbles but mostly cheery smiles, and enthusiastic hellos'.

We sat down next to Drew who turned and smiled at Troye before continuing his conversation with Adam.

"Everyone here's pretty nice," I began. "That there is Drew, and next to him is his best friend Adam. They're inseparable, so you want one you'll definitely get the other. Then there's Amy and Martha, they're twins. Polar opposites though, and whatever you do don't get them confused." Troye giggled slightly at this and I stopped to smile at him before continuing.

"Though they both do nothing but try and be individuals the one thing they both have in common is their best friend; Kirsten. She's really a lovely girl, don't let her appearance fool you. And over there is her older brother Aaron. I would avoid him, he's not exactly the best influence or the nicest person. He's kinda a bully. And the last one over there is Peter. I won't tell you a thing about him, I want you to learn for yourself."

I grinned over at him and then leaned in close, "Truth be told, he's definitley my favorite. You'll adore him!"

Everything was going swimmingly, everyone loved Troye and Michael even decided to join us, that was until Aaron decided to ruin our lovely evening by being an ass.

Phil POV

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><p>I felt Dan slam the door behind me and I just felt the need to crumple to the floor and cry. Of course I couldn't do that, just in case he came back.<p>

So I instead settled with unpacking and making my side of the room all neat and tidy. I sorted all of my clothes into the unoccupied drawers and dressed my bed. I plugged up my outdated laptop and put my earphones in, opting to escape through the internet before dinner time.

Our classes didn't start until next week as-per usually, so we had about five days to kill. Most people spent that time to catch up with their friends, but seeing as I had none I chose to stay on the internet, or curled up with a book in the library.

After hours on Tumblr my grumbling stomach awoke me from my stupor and I hauled myself out of bed.

I grabbed my keycard and keys to my room, after a few seconds of patting down my hair I was out the door. I hoped to slip by without anyone noticing, grab my lunch and head to the library. So far I had been doing a swell job of it.

I slid into the room and got in line for the cash register after grabbing an apple and a plain bagel with cream cheese. The cashier scanned my card and I gathered my stuff making a bee-line for the door. Being the ninja that I am I still hadn't been noticed yet.

I was so close!

So close to the door, right when I felt something collide with the back of my head and someone snigger before shouting, "Hey, fag! Why don't you come join us?"

I didn't need to turn around to know who it was, I knew automatically.

Aaron.

I contemplated not going back, but I knew if I didn't he'd pursue me and it would just make it worse. So I gathered up my courage and faced my torturer of three years, his smug smirk perfectly etched on his face.

My stomach was churning worried for what he was going to do, before a voice piped up, one I didn't recognize, "Why would you say something like that? Why don't you just leave him alone?"

Aaron looked just as shocked as I and everyone else probably did. His mouth opened and closed a few times before he abruptly stood up and stormed out of the dining hall.

The mystery boy smile at me before tucking into his food again, and the dining hall was filled with quiet chatter.

I took this as my cue and I ran all the way to the library adrenaline and euphoria fueling me.

_Maybe this year won't be that terrible._

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><p><strong>Okay I know it's late and it's not that great but whatever! I'm juggling two stories and other things too! I'm really bad at updating so if you want another chapter you gotta hit me over the head for it because if you don't I'll forget. I'm soooooorry! And yes all these chapters are song titles. Now I have to go write my other story. Ugh. Well, ta ta I guess.<strong>


	3. Freak Like Me

***Warning!* Bullying, alcohol, and mentions of sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse. PLEASE DON'T READ IF TRIGGERED! ESPECIALLY PHIL'S PART! THANK YOU**

**Dan POV**

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><p>The next few days went by rather uneventfully. I spent most of my time with Troye and the rest of my friends. I had said little to no words to Phil, except for the occasional grumbled "move" when he gets in my way.<p>

I was still upset about being roomed with him, but I did not take Mikey's word lightly. He would beat me up.

All though, Phil wasn't all that bad to paired with. He was quiet, spent most of his time out of the room, and was fairly clean. Honestly the only times I ever see him are when I go to bed and sometimes during meals.

I glance over to the clock and see it's 11:30. It's late and Phil's not back. Strange he usually gets in by at least 9:30, right after the library closes. I shrugged my shoulders and look back at my screen which had begun to demand my attention once again.

The door creaked open at 12:19 and in slips Phil looking slightly bedraggled. His hair was stuck up in odd angles while other strands were matted down with a strange substance, dark bruises under his eyes from lack of sleep made his somber eyes shimmer slightly, and his rumpled clothes were dirt stained and clung to his painfully skinny frame.

He nodded slightly at me, grabbed some pajamas and headed to the en suite bathroom that every dorm had. I sighed softly and placed my laptop on the ground, snuggling into my bed.

Fifteen minutes later Phil comes out of the bathroom in pj bottoms and an oversized sweatshirt. He flicks of his light and we're bathed in darkness. I wait around ten minutes before his steady breathing fills the room, though it's faintly labored, coming out in short puffs rather than deep full breaths.

Worry furrows my brow before I shake it off. _I don't __**care**__ about him! Not at all._

I put on my shoes which were lying in wait at the base of my bed, grabbed a jacket and slipped out the door. Time for Jack's party!

Everyone's gonna be there!

All of my gang, Joe, Morgan, Robert the schools jock, and pretty much anyone you can think of that was even remotely popular.

Michael and Troye were both waiting for me at the entrance of the roof, drinks already in hand.

"Hey! We were wondering when you were gonna get here." Troye smiled at me.

"Yeah I just had to wait for Phil to fall asleep." I explained. Truth be told I wanted to wait and see if he was alright, though I'd never admit that to any one, because Dan Howell does **not **care for Phil Lester!

"Yeah, right, well we better get up there before al the drinks are gone!" Michael said before giving me a knowing wink and then promptly charging up the stairs.

I nodded at Troye and we both followed suit.

The party, as was expected, jam packed. People left and right, dancing, drinking, and making out.

Gross.

We amble over to a table with food set up, navigating our way through the mounds of drunk people dancing sloppily. I picked up a random bottle and took a swing of it.

"Straight up whisky!" I blanched.

A girl to my left, who I recognized to be Julie, a pretty brunette a grade below with big green and always wearing tight fitting clothes, lightly grabbed my arm and began giggling, "Wow! I can't believe you would just pick up a random bottle and take a drink of like that!"

Even intoxicated her logic was less flawed then mine when sober.

"Yeah, I guess I'm just stupid like that." I said trying furtively to escape from her manicured clutches. "Look I gotta go find my friend, I'll see you later!"

"Oh I'll help you!"

"No that won't be necessary" I cut her and successfully disappeared into the crowd.

**Phil POV**

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><p><em>I was running, my feet pounding down the staircase, away from my pursuer. Who was chasing me I do not know, but I sure as hell wasn't stupid enough to turn around and find out. So I pushed on, my feet slapping the tiled floor of the seemingly never ending hall. <em>

_Without warning the floor literally came out from under me, the tiles suspending in the air and then all crashing down upon my helpless body._

_I lay still for no more than two seconds, until I felt and immense pressure on my leg that began wind its way up my body. First consuming my legs, then torso, and finally my arms. _

_As I felt it creep closer to my collar bones, then neck, the panic really began to set in._

_What would happen after it had me? What is __**it**__?_

_As I felt it devour my chin then lips, making it impossible to continue to cry for help, then tool my nose cutting off my breathing, and the last thing I saw was one word etched on the ceiling._

_Worthless._

I woke up to a burning it my skin making my muscles seize in agony and a strangled cry escape my lips. I was drenched in sweat and I could barely move, but only one thing was on my mind; what if Dan heard.

I didn't hear any breathing so I assumed I had awoken him. Apprehensively I turned my head to the side where Dan was supposed to be laying, but he was nowhere to be found.

I knitted my brow in confusion , wondering where in the whole wide world could he have gone. That is until I heard it, the light ringing reverberating through the walls, shaking the building ever so subtly.

The annual back to school party were everyone gets smashed. Everyone who's popular that is. So that's where Dan must be.

I brought a trembling hand to my forehead, swiping it across my forehead. I gently lifted myself up off the bed and walked to the bathroom.

Pulling the shirt over my head I began to inspect the damage. Copious amounts of bruises littered my body with cuts decorating the insides of my thighs, and burn marks between my shoulder blades.

I tried to get away from this time, I really did, but I was too slow.

_They caught me on my way back from the library, slapped a hand over my mouth and dragged me back to their dorm._

_They stripped me down and tied a bandana around my mouth. They wrenched my hands behind my back and slammed their feet into my knees making me collapse._

_The leader spun on me is fist connecting with my ribcage making me double over and feel the blood rise in the back of my throat. _

"_You're a rangy one aren't ya?" He asked gesturing to my protruding ribs and my feeble legs._

"_And how d'ya stand on those things! They look like they'd snap under ya! Even with your measly weight! Aaron, you've brought me a sickly one!" The leader glared at the boy holding my hands behind my head_

"_Nah he ain't like that! He'll be just fine. He's like this by his own choice. It's his fault!" Aaron claimed._

_Anyone who knew even the tiniest thing about me knew that wasn't true. I didn't choose to be this way._

_I saw the leader hesitate before nodding his affirmative. That's when my hour in hell began._

_I've been punched and slapped before but never have I ever experienced a beating like this._

_Multiple boys got their way with me all at once. They had taken everything off of me and any dignity I had left was long gone. Someone slammed my head onto the floor and placed a foot on the small of my back._

_Everything was silent for a few moments, leaving me terrified, until I felt leather harshly being imprinted into my back. One, two, five, and then too many times to count._

_Everything had gone numb and I could not move. A high pitched screaming noise erupted from nowhere and I found myself wishing, no pleading, for it to stop. _

_The boy got off my back and then I was flipped over, people restrained my limbs. I had no inkling for what they were about to do and I wish it on no one._

_I cracked my eyes open and was greeted by the face of Aaron: Dan's friend._

_In his hand he held a kettle still seemingly filled with boiling water. I began hyperventilating as realization hit me. No no please don't!_

_He gave me his signature smirk and stared me right in the eye the whole time he was pouring the water over my bruised chest. _

_Agony was the best way to describe it. It was awful at first, thrashing in place trying to get free, until it came to the point where I had gone completely numb to it, like it had burned out my nerves._

_The last thing I can remember is being thrown onto a mattress and ten boys surrounding me, who I might add, was still completely naked._

Maybe I was lucky I blacked out and woke up behind the dumpster of my building alley smelling like burning skin and sex.

Or maybe I wasn't.

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><p><strong>Sorry these sometimes take a while I'm very forgetful! Any who this is for Sorro_54 who went and got her foot broken.<strong>

**Good job! **

**I'm trying to keep each chapter over a thousand words and so far it's working! I'll figure out Wattpad *Warning!* Bullying, alcohol, and mentions of sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse. PLEASE DON'T READ IF TRIGGERED! ESPECIALLY PHIL'S PART! THANK YOU**


	4. Shake Me Down

***Warning* Bullying and what not! If ya don't like it don't read it!**

Dan POV

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><p>I wound my way around everyone, a few stragglers still dancing on the roof, while most have retreated back to their rooms to do god knows what. My foot collided with something lumpy and flesh like.<p>

The figure let out a low groan and my suspicions had been confirmed, someone had fallen asleep in the halls yet again.

Fan-flippin-tastic.

I shuffled around them, careful not to kick anyone else who may have decided that the hallway was a good place to fall asleep.

I advanced towards the mahogany door leading to my bedroom and gently pressed my ear to the cool wood.

Instead of the soft snores of my roommate, I heard muted whimpers of pain, and panic coursed through my veins. I pushed the unlocked door open and caught a glimpse of Phil before he hurriedly shut himself up in the bathroom.

His expression was confused and fear stricken and his half naked body..

_**No! **_

It couldn't have been. It couldn't have been burn marks or bruises! And the light _must_ have made his bones seem like they stuck out.

Yeah, that's it!

Phil's not being bullied, and he eats plenty!

Right?

I didn't sleep well that night or the next. Tossing and turning in my bed, dreams plagued with guilt and whether or not what I saw was real.

Two days later after what I call the 'incident' I realized I spent a worrying amount of time thinking about Phil, even when classes had started the next day.

Whose idea was it to make it a tradition to get everyone wasted the night before the new school year?

More importantly, why do I always choose to participate?

Peer pressure? Nah.

Alcohol? Hell yeah!

Phil left a few minutes ago, after I think he saw me staring. This is a problem. All I can think about is him!

Like the way when he concentrates the tip of his tongue sticks out, how when he's nervous he tugs on the hem of his too big, long sleeve shirt, or how he bows his head instead of looking the person in the eye.

I was the first person, and probably the only, to notice how his clothes started to get smaller and dirtier as if they were older and hadn't seen an ounce of love in years.

_Just like their owner. _I thought.

No! Now's not the time for depressing thoughts! So I dragged myself out of bed and here I am, banging on Troye's door. The boy in question finally comes around, but not before a few threats spew from my mouth.

"What in the world could you possibly want, now?" Troye exclaims, leaning himself on the doorframe.

"We're going to the library!" I announced, knowing full well, that's where Phil is.

"Alright, hang on! Let me grab a few things." I was a little shocked expecting the inevitable round of insults such as 'you don't go to the library!' or 'you can read!'

Of course I can read and I go to the library! Just not often.

But this is Troye. He doesn't know what Dan Howell does and doesn't do. That's what I like about him, he gives me a sort of freedom. He knows Dan Howell the piano playing nerd, who loves video games, and not the Dan Howell who can get whoever or whatever if he just asked for it.

But I don't ask for it, not do I want it.

Whatever _it _is.

I watched Troye scoop his backpack off the floor and swing it onto his shoulder. We ambled out of the building and down the short path to the back entrance of the library.

It was a musty old building, with faded red chairs, and dust covering all two stories of it. Still it was nice, a good place to escape when you felt lonely.

I spotted Phil in a corner curled up with a book, feet tucked beneath him, and glasses hanging loosely off his nose.

Thinking quickly I shoved Troye behind a book shelf, slapping a hand over his mouth.

"Shh!" I whisper. "I came here to talk you and show you Phil. I think there's something wrong with him."

I trusted him not to think I was crazy or turn around and leave Phil alone with whatever problems he may harbor.

I don't know a ton about Troye, but when he defended him on the first day against Aaron, I knew things were about to change for me. For us.

I don't know why I have such a sudden infatuation with Phil, the school's very own punching bag, but I felt I needed to help him. Or is this just me trying to be the hero, to find a purpose?

Am I just as worthless as everyone tells Phil he is, or do I have a brighter future than my eyes allow me to see?

I feel something wet and slimy glide across my palm. I jump back and squeal.

Troye just licked my hand! "Ew! What the hell was that?"

"Why the hell did you just knock me over and then put your gross hand over my mouth?"

"If my hands so gross then why did you lick it?"

"That's beyond the point! Now spill!"

I sigh dramatically and flop into the chair a couple of feet to my left, out of Phil's line of sight.

"Well I didn't want him to notice us! Though he probably has now, with you and your big fat mouth!" I growled.

He gave me a look and opened his mouth but I cut him off. "No not now! Have you seen the way his clothes keep getting smaller and have a lot of patches in them?"

His eyebrows knit together in deep thought before he opens his mouth and said, "Now that you mention it, yeah. All those patches, I hardly ever see him at the dining hall either."

He peaks a look at Phil, who's so engrossed in his book, was yet to realize the two boys who only sat fifteen feet away, discussing his health.

"And I can't imagine why he doesn't eat? He's so skinny as it is! Do you think he's bulimic?" He asks.

"No I don't think so. I never hear him getting himself sick." Whenever I am in the room that is. Who am I to know, we don't see each other _that _often.

_Oh god what if he is? I've done nothing but fuel the fire! God I am as worthless as they say Phil is._

Shaking my head, I turn to face Troye once more. "What do you think we should do?"

"What _can _we do? It's not like we're his friends! We can't go up to him and say 'Hey! We've both noticed the holes in your clothes and why do we never see you in the dining hall'! I'm sure that would go over well!" He spat, sarcasm burning from his tongue.

"I know, I know!" I defend. "I just can't think of a way to approach him, without scaring him! I don't ever think I've ever seen him look me in the eye before, and every time I walk past him he flinches, just ever so slightly. I think that if one of us were to go to him he'd freak."

"So if we can't talk to him then how do we help him?" Troye questions.

"I guess we'll just have to do the best we can with working 'behind the scenes' so to speak." I glanced back to where Phil was sitting only to find he wasn't there.

Troye must have been following my line of sight because the next thing I know he's on his feet, almost kneeing me in the face.

He grabs my wrist, hauls me up and shouts 'come on' before sprinting down the rows of dusty books. We burst through the library entrance, gaining ourselves a handful of odd stares.

Without a moments hesitation Troye sped forward in the direction of our dorms. I couldn't see his face but for those who could, he must have looked like he was on the war path, as of most of them were, quite literally throwing themselves out of the way.

We turn a corner before Troye suddenly pulls me pack and slams me against the wall.

_Um, ow!_

He brings a finger to his lips in a shushing motion before gesturing for me to look.

What I see sends white hot rage shooting through my fingertips and leaving a sick feeling in my stomach. Five people are surrounding Phil one has a hand around his neck while the others take turns slapping, punching, or kicking him.

And who was at the head of this little group, but none other than Aaron. I always knew he was a dick but I never thought he'd go as far as to physically harm someone.

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder, and Troye's soft voice began to infiltrate my mind, melting away the anger.

"Don't go after him. You'll just make trouble for yourself and you can't help him if you're hurt." He reasons, his voice gentle and understanding.

"Text Michael." I demanded, my voice grated from the amount of control I was using not to explode from anger. "Tell him Aaron's got Phil and he's right outside of our building.

He nodded solemnly before whipping out his phone and texting Michael feverishly. I glared at the bullies from behind my refuge, out of their clutches.

I don't understand how they could do this to anyone, especially someone as defenseless and frightened as Phil. Really, it's cowardly.

Pathetic.

I watch as Mickey storms out of the building making them scatter. I have never been a prouder older brother.

Phil's POV

* * *

><p>It's just my luck that I would run into them, <em>again.<em>

I forced myself out of the surprisingly comfy chair, and stretch my aching limbs. I hear a loud crack emit from them and I let out an involuntary groan.

Standing up after sitting for so long is always satisfying. I place my book back on the shelf, and make my way to the front, backpack slung haphazardly over my shoulder.

I wave to the librarian, who I've made a silent bond with. The times I came to the library without a lunch she would always give me some chips or an apple. I don't know her name and she doesn't know mine, but that's perfectly fine.

She still cleans my cuts and wipes the tears from my face. She's a good woman, I hope the best for her.

I step out into the fresh air, shocking my body, going from the extreme cold to the over bearing heat of September. I could hear the faint chirping of baby birds and the wind lightly tousling my hair.

The dorm building loomed in the distance and I made the final turn to the giant structure was right next to me. But of course I didn't make it in time, feeling a hand snake around my throat and then press me against a wall crushing my windpipe.

He gave me his complimentary greeting which usually consisted of the word fag, worthless, ugly, or any other half-assed insult he could conjure up, before his fist connected with my face.

And then his whole gang was joining in. A punch here and a slap there, with Aaron still pinning me against the way by my throat, I could barely gulp any air in, my lungs burning.

With a final punch to the ribs, I felt the pressure release from my windpipe, and the boys shouted , disbanding quickly.

Without the force holding me up I crumpled to the ground, going into a coughing fit, occasionally dry heaving. I felt a hand rub itself up and down my back until I stopped, and then flopped limply to the unwelcoming concrete.

I heard words pass between my saviors and my fogged mind could only catch snip-its.

Something about 'cleaning him up' and 'tell you when you can come back'.

I felt feet walk past my head and a door close shut. Two strong arms placed themselves underneath my knees and upper back, picking me up bridal style.

I don't remember the journey to my room but I wake up to Michael towering over me and what seems to be fretting over my injuries.

He smiles down at me his hazel eyes filled with warmth and love. He brings a wet cloth to my forehead wiping away blood that had begun to drip into my eyes.

"You're really great at getting yourself into difficult positions you know that right?" He jokes easily.

I just settle for nodding my head, too tired to respond. He brings some antiseptics to one of my cuts and I hiss. He doesn't pull back though.

In fact he continues as if he doesn't hear my cries, and doesn't stop until everything's been attended to.

I stare at him, my eyelids heavy, and my brain willing me to go to sleep, but my mind is whirling with questions.

"Shhhh." He puts a finger to my lips. "Sleep now, questions later."

I can hardly argue, so I settle down into my bed once again and Michael pulls the duvet up to my chin and I fall into a dreamless sleep.

Perfect bliss.

* * *

><p><strong>Well there we have it folks! The fourth chapter of this story! I worked really hard and I just really had the energy for it today. This chapter's title is by Cage the Elephant and let me tell you, it's very hard to make me cry over anything really, but this brings me close. <strong>

**And to the Guest who left the review, this is for you! You made me happy and I needed that push to get me writing all my ideas for this story! So if you want to or if you have one, please tell me your username! Don't feel pressured!**

**Well I'm awfully tired so I'm gonna go to bed! **

**Ta ta!**


	5. Make It Stop

***Warning!* Anna's pissed off, because her head hurts, she gotten sick twice, right before Christmas and her dad's band is really, really loud. Prepare to feel her pain. Oh and bullying, and negative thoughts.(Is that a warning?)**

* * *

><p>Dan POV<p>

Mikey's been in there for at least an hour, fixing up Phil. We had to help sneaking some antiseptic from the nurses' office, as our little first aid kit was out of it.

Troye went in there faking a stomach ache and while she was taking his temperature I quickly snatched the bottle and hid it in my coat.

She sent him up with a bottle of ginger ale, and bucket in case he got sick and couldn't make it to the bathroom.

We brought them the bottle, filled up the bucket with warm water, and hung a cloth off the side.

Michael ushered us out of the room, saying he'd tell us when we could come back in. I sat for the first ten minutes with my ear pressed against the door, waiting for any sign of needing to burst in.

Though if anything did happen, I'm sure Mikey would be able to handle it better than I ever could.

Troye finally dragged me away from the door saying we needed to go get dinner before the dining hall closed, and we could get Michael and Phil food while we were there.

And so here I was picking at my food, whilst Troye rambled on about something like his 'new song' or 'hoping to put it on his YouTube channel' or some nonsense like that.

Aaron joined us around ten minutes ago, and the whole time he sat there, eating his dinner as if he hadn't a worry in the world, made me just want to punch his lights out.

How Mike's never done it was a mystery to me. Well he always did have better self-control than I.

I guess Troye finally realized I wasn't paying attention to him, as a sudden silence clouded our table. He looked at me nervously, his bottom lip clamped in between his teeth.

He leaned over and whispered so only I could hear, "Do you want to go buy their food real quick, and then head back up to the room?"

I gave a small nod before standing up and throwing my uneaten food in the bin.

"Hey! Where ya goin'?" Aaron piped up.

"Nowhere that concerns you." I snarled, my eyes cold and unforgiving.

How could he continue on with his day, like he hadn't just beaten the shit out of an innocent, defenseless, kid.

Honestly it's quite disgusting.

"Jeez, Dan! Don't get you panties all in a twist." He snorted.

Troye gripped my shoulder, spinning me around, and dragging me to the food line.

"Remember, we can't help Phil if we're dead. Let's not get on Aaron's bad side. 'kay?" He reasoned.

"Okay." I said glumly, picking up a carton of spaghetti for Mike, and a bagel for Phil, knowing he wouldn't be able to handle much.

I slipped the cashier a few bills and we made our back to the dorms.

On our way there, I saw a few heads bob behind us and then quickly disappear into shadow.

I clutched onto Troye's elbow making him walk faster, until we were safely inside the dorm building.

I let out a sigh of relief when the doors clicked closed behind us and I leant forward on my knees to catch my breath.

"And why did we have to practically run all the way here?" Troye frowned.

"I- I thought I saw someone." I explained still doubled over. "Let's bring this to them."

He nodded before bounding up the staircase to my room.

I pulled out my key, the lock clicking and the door swinging open. Mikey was sitting on the corner of my bed, head in hands, while Phil was exactly where we left him, except he was all bandaged up and a new shirt covered his chest.

"Uh! I'm so glad you're here!" Michael exclaimed." Ohh! And is that for me?" He asked pointing to the container in which he knew a steaming serving of spaghetti waited for him.

I grinned before handing it to him. He greedily tore off the lid, taking his fork and twirling the saucy noodles.

"Oh my god, I'm so hungry!" He said between a mouthful of the stuff.

I rolled my eyes at his behavior, pulling out four cokes from the mini-fridge, tossing one each to Troye and Michael, setting one on Phil's bedside table along with the bagel and cream cheese.

I plopped down next to Troye and pulled the tab off the coke, taking a big gulp. "So what are we gonna do about Mr. comatose?"

"Well," Michael began. "He's not too bad. Nothings broken, a lot of blood and bruising, his throat is swelling a bit, if it's doesn't go down in about an hour we need to take him to the hospital."

A heavy silence followed, the only thing you could hear was Phil's labored breathing hitching every now and again. It made my heart hurt.

I sighed deeply, "Well I guess now we just have to wait. How about we watch a movie?" I suggested.

I picked up my laptop and placed it on the desk in front of my bed. I heard Troye rifling through my bag of DVD's until bounding up behind me, prize in hand.

_Kiki's Delivery Service._

I huffed out a laugh popping in the disk. I climbed on my bed, putting myself in the middle with Troye on one side and Mikey on the other.

We stayed like that for hours, watching movie after movie, doing homework, and around ten we heard Phil groaning and writhing on his bed.

Michael stared at me wide eyed then quickly jumped into action. He dunked the towel in the now luke-warm water and pressed it to his forehead. He examined his throat pressing his fingers all around it, before settling them around the hem of his shirt.

He pulled it up to his collarbones, checking to see if the bandages had come undone. "He's waking up!" Michael gasped.

I stood frozen in my spot until I was literally thrown out of my room and onto the carpeted hallway floor, Troye following suit.

I stood up, spitting out the taste of old carpet in my mouth, and holding out my hand for Troye.

"Tossed out of my room, by my own brother." I heaved, yanking him to his feet.

We leaned against the beige walls, not a word uttered, our minds whirling with questions and concerns for what was going on in the other room.

Ten agonizing minutes later, Michael shuffles out of the room, biting his lip. He steps aside letting us in. I glanced at Phil, who was now laid in the fetal position, and covers tucked up to his chin. I noticed that the bagel had been eaten and the coke had also been popped open.

I smiled a little to myself, thinking how adorable he was.

_Whoa, whoa! Back up! __**Adorable?!**__ We do __**not**__ have a crush on Phil Lester! Okay?! _

I hurriedly dismissed the thoughts and strained to pay attention to what Mikey was saying. But something in his eye told me he knew I wasn't listening.

He's too smart for his own good, dammit!

"Is it okay if I sleep in here tonight? I don't think I can leave him in good conscious just yet." Mike asked.

"Oh! Me too?" Troye begged.

"Sure why not." I conceded.

Troye squealed and leaped from the bed, bounding to my closet.

"Well it seems silly to go _all the way back to my room_, so I guess I'll just have to steal some of your close." He reasoned.

I laughed at his childishness, and groaned as Mikey mocked Troye, squealing and raising his voice an octave, "Oh, how about this one! It makes your eyes stand out and darling, will it fit you well."

Troye giggled before rushing into the bathroom to change. Michael pulled out two pairs of sweats and threw one at me.

As he was unbuckling his belt he gives me a once over, then snorted and gave me his signature smirk. "You are so falling for him."

"WHO? Troye?" I spluttered.

"HAHA!" His voice boomed. "No you idiot! Phil!"

My jaw dropped and I stood staring at him, dumbstruck.

_How the hell did he pick up on that?! Is it that obvious?_

My mouth flopped uselessly as I searched for the right words to use. Suddenly the door swung open and out stepped Troye dressed in a rolled up pair of my pajama pants and the blue t- shirt that really did make his eyes stand out.

_Bless you, Troye._

He gave a blindingly bright smile. "So where should I sleep?"

"Well I think Dan here should sleep with Phil." Michael suggested with a sly wink.

"I think NOT!" I cried out.

Troye gave us both a weird look and opened his mouth, "Why don't I sleep with Phil and Mikey you can sleep with Dan."

"Oh but I think he'd much rather b-."I cut him off by slapping a hand over his face.

"That sounds fine."

I grabbed his bicep, putting him in a death grip, and steered him towards my bed. He laid himself down under the comforter, a triumphant smile etched onto his stupid face.

Jerk.

"Bitch."

I jumped at the sound of his voice. I swear he's a mind reader!

"Haha! I always know what you're thinking!" I rolled my eyes, getting under the covers next to him.

I waited until Troye had settled in to switch off the light. Once all the creaking on his end stopped I leaned over and yanked the cord to my lamp and darkness flooded the room.

I snuggled closer into my pillow, the securing arm of my brother wrapped around my waist calmed me own, and within minutes I was sound asleep.

* * *

><p>Xxx<p>

My dreamless bliss was shattered by my alarm going off, playing Fall Out Boy's Centuries.

I sat listening to the music like I usually do when I heard a loud groan and someone, who definitely wasn't Phil say 'Turn it off!'

And like magic the events of yesterday came flooding in. Phil getting beaten up, Mikey patching him up, stealing from the nurse, yelling at Aaron, getting kicked out of my room, and Troye a Michael staying over.

A hand shot out and grabbed my phone of the night- stand. Centuries stopped playing and the cool oblong shape was placed back on the table.

A weight was lifted from my bed and I heard bones cracking as someone stood up. I cracked my eyes open and looked over to my brother who was mussing up his hair and getting the sleep out of his eyes.

"Where is Phil?" He asked, sounding thoroughly confused.

I reluctantly turned over to my room-mates bed and sure enough I didn't see his mop of black hair, just Troye who was propped up by a few pillows, blue orbs glittering.

"He usually leaves before I wake up. Not really sure where he goes. I've always wanted to follow him, though I could never wake up early enough." I rambled.

"Well, Troye and I have to get ready for school. We'll meet in the dining hall?"

"Sounds like a plan." I answered, swinging my legs over the side of the bed.

I waited to hear for the door closing before getting up and grabbing a pair of black skinny jeans and a dark red shirt.

I hopped in the shower quickly washing my hair and body. I wrapped a towel around my waist and grabbed my straighteners from underneath the sink, plugging them in to get them heated up.

I dried my hair and skin, and yanked on my clothes. I dragged the straightener through my brown locks, trying my best not to miss a spot.

Once I was rid of the horrible disease that was hobbit hair, I packed up my homework making sure I didn't forget my math, and was out the door in record time.

I raced down the two flights of stairs, almost smashing right into a couple of 7th years. I mumbled a few apologies, this time being extra careful I don't run into anybody else, God forbid a teacher.

I shuttered at the thought, thinking of all the trouble I could get in.

I slipped in line, picking out some pancakes, eggs, and a carton of orange juice. I paid for my meal and hastily made my way to the so called 'popular group', though I never felt like I belonged.

I didn't really have anything in common with them, if I showed even the slightest bit of emotion I was immediately made fun of, so I usually kept to myself.

Kirsten always told me I would find my place, and that I wouldn't find it here with Adam and Drew. She said I needed to branch out.

And she also told me that if I wasn't pretty I'd probably have no friends.

Where's the lie?

I scarfed down my food and threw away my food just in time for the bell to ring. I shuffle to my classes, the day going slowly.

I only had Phil in a few of them, he filtered in with the rest of the class. Purple circles under his eyes, is hair slightly ruffled, and his neck was faintly bruised with handprints.

"Hey, fairy! What's that on your neck? Have you been a bad boy?" A boy named Jake teased. I guess they did look a little bit like hickeys.

"Lay off him would ya!" A dark haired girl named Sofie defended. "Those look like hand prints. Phil have you been choked?"

Phil's eyes went a fraction wider at her defensiveness and her worriedness for his well- being. He shook his head violently from his seat in the corner of the room.

" 'Course he hasn't been choked, he's here and not six feet under isn't he?" Jake said.

"You know what I meant!" Sofie snapped. They went back and forth until the teacher came in, her stern voice demanding our attention.

I didn't see Phil again that day until I got back to the dorm. In fact over the next several weeks I hardly saw him.

Every time we saw someone beating Phil, we'd text Mikey and he'd come scare them off. We'd bring him back to the dorm, fix him up, watch movies, do homework, and they'd spend the night.

Phil never said a word about those nights that Troye slept in his bed, he was always gone before I was awake. We had an announcement yesterday saying that there'd been a break in the water main and that all boarders had to find a place to stay.

Mikey, Junna, and I all stayed in a little hotel for those two days, doing absolutely nothing. Sadly school is back and I'm once again on my queen bed under my brown duvet, when in walks Phil.

He looks pale, face sunken and bones prominent. I barley catch him in time before he meets the ground.

* * *

><p><strong>MERRY MOTHER EFFIN CHRISTMAS! I've been so busy making presents uhh! I made my one friend a cute little Dan and Phil poster because we're broke and can't buy one from their store. My other friend got a Zelda one, and another got a Princess Bride one. Such a great movie! Oh my god guys, we have a problem! I'm starting to ship Phil and Michael! <strong>

**Oh no!**

**Anywho, thank you all who've followed, favorited, and reviewed! It means the world. This chapters title song is by Rise Against. I hope you all had a great Holiday, and for those of you who don't celebrate I hope you enjoyed the winter break.**

**I'm gonna go back to rockin out while typing the next chapter! Catch ya later you saucy noodles!**

**Ta ta!**


	6. This Close

***Warning!* Mentions of bullying and suicidal thoughts! Please don't read if you're triggered, thank you!**

* * *

><p>I'm sorry and I love you doesn't fix anything when you turn around and do it again,<p>

You told me you'd always be there for me,

We called and called and you didn't answer,

Our worlds were ending while you were out having dinner,

You came home with a blanket draped over your shoulders,

You told me to stay with you but you're the one who left,

You told me to take this medicine it'll help me sleep,

It worked but I'm still helpless underneath,

You told me I could come to you but you turn on me every time,

You told me to walk away from him, but he's backed me in a corner,

The only thing between us is a flimsy wooden door, but with you there's a great divide,

There is no fight or flight, it's just fight until you can't bleed anymore,

You say he cares, you say he loves me, but why do I fear he will kill me,

I used to have the world at my fingertips, my eyes shining orbs,

But now they've gone away, the universe lost in the void,

I don't know who I am anymore, but I know for sure I'm living for you,

I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid to die and kill you,

You told me I was beautiful, but why do I feel so ugly in your presence?

Am I really nothing or is there more?

You told me to become whatever I wanted, but you laugh at my ambitions,

You told me it's out of love,

Is it really love when I feel like wrapping a belt around my neckbecause of you,

You told me you loved me then why don't you show it,

I think I understand now,

There never was a happy ending, I was mistake that you meant to destroy,

Who are you trying to fool?

Is this your reality or mine?

You think you know but you don't,

Your pain is different than mine, and I'm sorry and I love you,

But I can't fix anything.

* * *

><p>Phil POV<p>

It's been a month since I woke up to Michael and Troye sleeping over in my dorm. I figured Dan had something to do with it, but they could have at least asked if he could sleep in my bed.

As you could imagine I woke to quite a fright when I found another body not two feet from mine. I had slapped a hand over my mouth as not to scream.

I laid deathly still for a few minutes, steading my breathe and gathering the courage to sit up and find out who it was.

I felt myself relax as I realized it was just Troye, Michael's roommate and my 'savior' so to speak. I hadn't seen hide nor hair of him since that day, but that was perfectly fine with me.

I glanced over at my roommate to see he was snuggled into his bed, clutching his duvet, with his brother's arm slung over him.

I felt sad looking at them, wishing someone loved me enough to hold me. Nobody did though.

I had always wanted a sibling and my parents had always wanted another child, one that wouldn't disappoint them so much. Having me was a struggle in itself, Father said I was lucky to be born, another child seemed impossible.

They tried time after time, until half a year later her tests came back and she ran into the room exclaiming she was pregnant.

One month later they were booking appointments with a doctor, getting ultra- sounds ever three weeks, my parents were off the wall.

Six months in my mother's stomach was swelling, large and plump. She was much nicer to me, giving me a little bit more food than usual, letting me actually watch TV as it was band from me for as long as I can remember, and she gave me a hug goodbye yesterday.

I felt on top of the world, like I was unstoppable. I didn't realize then, that the only reason things were like this was because my parents were getting a replacement.

They were happy to have someone that was smart, beautiful, and worthy of their pride.

I came home that day, butterflies in my stomach, hoping for a welcome home hug or maybe even a kiss on the cheek, but no one was there.

It was quiet, my father wasn't whistling as he undid his tie and took off his jacket, mother wasn't in the kitchen humming as she toddled around the room preparing dinner.

No there was absolutely nothing.

I shuffled into the living room, still nothing. Frowning I made my way up to my room to begin my homework. At seven I went downstairs and grabbed myself a granola bar and some apple slices, and sat at the kitchen table.

At seven fifteen my parents still weren't home and I began to worry. I took a hot shower to wash away my troubles. I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed, and at eight thirty they still weren't home.

I settled down in my room with a book, I was determined to stay awake for their arrival.

I was awoken by the front door slamming. I looked over at my clock to see it was eleven forty- five. I humphed slightly to myself, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. Pounding footsteps made their way to my room, and I immediately recognized them as my Father's.

_Maybe he will know what's going on._

He rapped quietly on my door and I answered in a raspy whisper, still tired.

The door creaked open and my father's face appeared. His eyes were red rimmed, slightly crazed, his hands trembled, and his mouth was set in a firm line.

He stalked towards me, eerily calm, and it sent a chill down my spine.

I went to speak but he roughly took me by my collar and a squeak came in its stead. He brought his face close to mine and his breath reeked of alcohol and other substances.

He beat so bad that night, that in the morning I couldn't move from the spot. A lot happened that morning, I found out that mother went into an early labor and the baby was a still- born. She was currently still there.

My father came in pleading for my forgiveness and not to tell anyone. I never did, and still haven't.

Mother came home at twelve on the spot, eyes sunken and tired. I tried to reach out and comfort her, but she just brushed past me, slapped my hand away, and dismissed all form of solace that came whispered from my mouth.

From that point on she only cooked for two, completely ignoring my existence. I made many desperate attempts at trying to capture her attention.

I got into fights, failed classes, alcohol, I even attempted suicide once. She found me on the bathroom floor, I hadn't been able to cut deep enough yet. She cleaned my wrists and then slapped me across my face.

The whole time she was there she never said a word as I wailed, choked on my own sobs, screamed, told her all the horrible things I thought.

How I was ugly, worthless, stupid, any terrible trait you could have I had.

This happened three more times, each time she left with a slap across the face. The very last time instead she grabbed my chin wrenching it towards her and she glared at me.

"So what if you are all those things?! What are you going to do about it?! I never want to come in here and find you like this, do you understand me?"

I nodded vigorously and I never did it again.

I still mutilated my skin I just never went that far. I once again found myself in the library, engrossed in one of my favorite books.

Troye had slept in my room in a total of four times. Which is as many times as I've been beaten up this month. Well beaten to where I couldn't get up on my own.

_Strange_.

I wonder if that has anything to do with it? Why would it?

I sighed to myself, shutting the book and putting it back on the shelf. I sulked out of the library, not looking forward to the next few days on the streets.

The break in the water main forced everyone to leave early and all boarders to find a place for a bit of time. Of course my parents weren't going to come get me, so I had my dad talk to the receptionist to convince her I had a place to go.

That place to go was a park bench.

Wow, great fun!

My stomach growled loudly. My card only worked at the school and I didn't have any real money. I guess no food for however long it was going to be.

My father only put a thousand dollars in it, which I know sounds like a lot, but to have to ration it for three meals and a hundred and eighty odd days, I often went hungry.

Which was exactly what I was doing right now, going hungry.

I was currently curled up on a bench shivering, as many people passed me without a second glance. A pity that man- kind can be so cruel.

They pass someone in pain, telling themselves it's nothing, they're fine, nothing wrong, everybody's happy! Which nine out of ten times is not the case.

I was drifting in and out of consciousness until I felt a light touch on my shoulder. I bolted forward, away from the touch, flinching violently.

"Oh dear!" The stranger exclaimed. "I'm sorry to startle you, I was just worried!"

I quickly took her in. Her chocolate skin was a stark contrast to my sickly pale, and her caramel orbs shone brightly compared to my dull blue ones, and she was tall and fit, unlike me whose ribs you could see.

Her purple high- waisted skirt and white top hugged her slim body and corkscrew curls framed a strong jaw and prominent cheek bones.

All in all she was quite beautiful.

Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I can't tell when a pretty lady walks past me or not.

"I'm alright thank you."

"You don't look alright to me. You look sick. Please, I want to help you! Is there somewhere I can take you?" She asked giving me kindness I didn't deserve.

I nodded sadly to her question. No there was absolutely no where I could go.

"Do you have any money? Are you homeless, dear?" She pressed on.

"No I'm not homeless, there was a break in my school's water main. I'm just waiting for my dad to pick me up." I explained hoping to discourage her kindness.

She sighed and looked up at me. I turned away, pulling down my sleeves. She was probably looking at all my imperfections, judging, I wish she would just turn away from me.

She crouched down and placed a hand on my knee. "There's no one coming for you is there?"

My head snapped to her, her expression stoic. "Ah, I was right. Here, how about I go buy us some lunch?" It really wasn't a question.

She pivots on her heal and trots over to the small collection of shops at the front of the park. I race after her determined to not let her spend a penny on me, but my pleas fell on deaf ears.

She was having none of it.

We reached a little sandwich shop and she made a bee- line for it. The warm blast of air that the restaurant provided was very welcome.

I glanced up at the menu, searching for the least expensive item, and settled on a small turkey sandwich.

When she heard what I wanted she immediately ordered me something bigger, and gave me a smug smirk after he handed her the ticket.

She steered me towards a booth by the window, sat me down, and set down our drinks before taking her own seat.

"So, what's your name?"

"O- oh.. P- phil." I stuttered out.

"Well alright then Phil, I'm Vivian. Why were you on that bench?"

"I already told you. There was a break in my school's water main."

"And what about your parents? Where are they?"

"They're… they're.. busy."

"Too busy to pick up their son?" I nodded my face flushed pink in shame.

She only gave me an understanding stare, before the waiter saved me from having to answer anymore of her invasive questions.

I nibbled on my meal, knowing this would be my last one until school started back up. She asked more questions but not about my situation. She asked what my favorite color, band, food was, or anything else she could think of.

I answered each question with more enthusiasm than the last. It's been a long time since anyone has made the effort to get to know me.

It felt nice.

I carried that feeling all through the next two days. It filled my stomach when it was empty, warmed my skin when the night air became too much.

I rationed my food as best I could, but there was only so much a sandwich meant to be eaten in one sitting could do.

I signed myself in and trudged up the stairs. As I approached my door I felt black dots begin to pick at my vision.

_No, no not now! _

I picked up my pace, my weakened legs carrying me as fast as they could. I fumbled around for my keys, the black dots now becoming a black mass as I twisted the key into the lock.

I got one foot in the door before the darkness consumed me. My knees went week and buckled, I felt an overwhelming heat and a splitting headache form, a sickness taking over all my senses and I felt my body rush to the ground.

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><p><strong>Sorry for the random poem. I was just feeling it. When I'm angry or sad I write, so I guess if you see a poem at the top, it's going to be a good chapter. And do you know what I really like? High- waisted skirts. <strong>

**Anyway, all of your reviews make my day a little brighter, so thank you! This chapters title is by Flyleaf!**

**I'm going to go to bed. Until next time!**

**Ta ta!**


	7. All Around Me

***WARNING!* Bullying and suicidal thoughts! Please don't read if triggered! Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>I won't<strong>

There's nowhere left to go now except away,

I know I should be afraid of death and not welcome it with open arms,

But I don't feel a need anymore, there's nothing left for me,

I want to join in my brothers arms the kiss of death awaits I see,

Though I now I cannot go, the desire still burns strong,

You say you love me but everything I do is wrong,

You say it's alright, I understand

But you can't if you're the one that makes me want to leave this land,

I'm treated like a child yet expected to act like an adult,

You yell and yell, why do you think that'll give you different results,

I know I should be angry, but you're grieving too,

All I feel is disappointment and a little bit blue,

But mostly all is numb,

My heart no longer beating like a drum,

My nights once filled with the wildest dreams,

Now lay still only filled with my silent screams,

I say I'm fine that I know I'll live

But that doesn't help, this brick wall I've built won't give,

I'm a rock giving the world it's best brave face,

When all I want is to leave and put someone better in my place,

I know I'm supposed to be all bright

But after all this time I can't, I've lost my light,

There's a man telling me to come along,

I think I will I don't belong,

There was nothing here for me in the place,

I leave behind my disgrace,

It's time to start anew,

I'll think of you when the early dawn is graced with the brightest of natures' hues,

I won't forget, but it's time for me to go,

Where, it could be heaven or below,

I could keep going and try to find the right person,

If it doesn't happen soon I fear I will worsen,

But that's not the point and I'm sorry to say,

I can't and I won't stay another day.

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><p><strong>Phil POV<strong>

I couldn't move anything. I was completely paralyzed, my bod numb. I didn't feel panic like I suppose I should. Instead I feel relief, as if this was some sort of blessing.

Which I suppose in hindsight was not.

I wondered for a few seconds if I was dead and I came to the conclusion that, no, I was not. Bummer.

How have I become this? What took it so far?

I thought of the bullies, my parents, my so called 'friends' and knew that it was them. My bullies lowered my self- confidence and buried my personality behind a thick shell.

My parents turned on me when I needed them most, killing my happiness.

And my friends, they took my love, when I helped them, but they left me for nothing. I still remember the last thing I said to all of them before they turned their backs.

_I want to die. We're not giving up._

_Is it worth it to be here? It's worth every second._

_Do you believe? I believe._

_Where do I go? Where you're needed._

_Who could ever love me? Who couldn't?_

_Who am I living for? You._

_I don't know how! It's alright to not always have the answer._

_What do I do? Live._

_I messed up. Try again._

_I don't want to grow up. I don't either._

_I'm sad. That's alright._

_Why do you do this? Because I wished someone had done it for me._

Why do I try so hard? No one ever listens to my cry for help. I save my friends, strangers, but no one ever saves me. I'm trapped.

Every time I say those things, they get up and get better. They leave me still broken. I have done nothing but help them. Though I guess I do a better job of hiding my sadness then other people do.

I always wonder if I'll grow old, or if I'll die tomorrow.

I think I'd like tomorrow.

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><p><strong>Dan POV<strong>

I drag him to his bed, and prop his head up on some pillows. God he looks awful. He's still shivering, his face his gaunt, and aren't those the clothes he left in three days ago in?

Well, shit.

I run around to his bedside frantically feeling his forehead in case of a fever. I breathe out in relief when I feel no signs of fever.

I pull the covers up to his chin before running done to the dining hall and buying some crackers with a soda.

After the cashier scans my card I bolt back to the room gaining myself a few odd stare as I don't ever run voluntarily.

I unlock the door and find Phil tossing around, muttering incoherently before his eyes begin to flutter open.

_Wow._

His eyes are the most stunning shade of blue, with specks of yellow as if they're stars in the day sky, which quite frankly makes zero sense. But could you imagine stars littering the morning sky, battling to stay in sight, pure innocence still in the air and the birds chirping softly.

In a way, that was Phil, the human embodiment of the morning, fighting to stay alive.

He looks at me, tired and old, before it quickly is overrun by fear, and snaps his gaze to the wall.

He really is a treasure, something no one in the world could ever be.

I shuffle over to the bed and sit down, motioning for him to do the same. He cautiously pulled himself, resting heavily on his headboard.

"I brought you these crackers. Here eat them." I handed them over and watched him begin to protest but quickly cut him off. "It wasn't a question."

He seemed to be at conflict with himself for a heartbeat before his resolve crumbled, and began nibbling on the crackers.

We sat in silence, while I waited for him to finish a few crackers before I commenced my interrogation. When about a fourth of the crackers were devoured I spoke.

"So, Phil. Why did this happen?"

He looked up at me orbs watering, pleading for me to ignore him, but I'm in too deep now. He placed a on the duvet and began rubbing circles and tracing shapes into the fabric.

I waited patiently, sensing that if I pushed him he'd clam up. He peered at me from behind his dark fringe and I smiled in what I hoped to be a reassuring way.

It must have worked because next thing I know he's spewing the whole story, words spilling from his lips. It's over just as abruptly as it started.

He's looking down again, eyes fixed on the plaid pattern of his bed- spread, and his hair is blocking my view to his face. I hook my finger under his chin, gently pulling it up.

I stroke my thumb across his face, getting the hair out of my way.

"It's alright."

I didn't like the idea before, but now I do. I can clearly see it. It's love, a type of love I've never felt so strongly before. I think it's romantic but also so platonic.

* * *

><p><strong>HAPPY NEW YEARS YOU BIG BUNCH OF NERDS! Sorry it's a little shorter than usual. I've got the sads and I thought I'd write. <strong>

**But I also thought about all the other people who are just as sad as I am or even sadder, and I'd like you to all know you're beautiful, deserve to be here, and suicide is **_**never**_** the answer! **

**If you ever wanna talk I have more time than I know what to do with soooo..feel free! This title song is by Flyleaf! **

**Do y'all like Mikey? Are there any mistakes? Do you like it? I NEED TO KNOW! **

**Well I guess I'll see ya later.**

**Ta ta!**


	8. Parabola

***Warning!* Mentions of suicide, abuse and really tired authors! Continue at your own risk!(Do these little trigger warnings help at all, or is it stupid?)**

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><p><strong>Phil POV<strong>

Dan never left my side once for the rest of the day, or what was left of it. We watched movies and he gave me plenty of snacks. Around ten o'clock, half way through Howl's Moving Castle, I began to feel my eyelids droop with the weight of exhaustion.

Instead of fighting it like earlier, I succumbed to the tugging feeling.

I dreamed of a featureless man, sitting across from me in a crisp black suit, hands folded and legs crossed. One word came to mind; Shrink.

I felt white hot rage seep into my skin and before I knew it I was spouting abuse at the strange figure.

"You want to know what the difference between us is? You read about this in a text book, I experienced this! You can't even begin to fathom the emptiness I feel! You don't know the first thing about me! Just the glimpses I allow you to see! Now you can quit staring at me like this is some mid- day soap opera! Shut up and drop it or leave!"

I glared at him his fuzzy features quickly clearing up, to reveal the scolding piercing eyes of my father. I crumpled to my knees and sobbed loudly, tears streamed down my face as trembles racked my body.

I looked back up at the man only for him to be replaced by me, a much smaller version of me. My eyes were wide, innocent, and scared. My tiny hands clutched the arms of the chair, knuckles turning white.

God, I was so small. I looked ill.

I shouted at me too. I wanted to warn him, tell him to quit while he's ahead, it'll save him a lot of pain on those lonely nights.

"Evil is few and far between, but ignorance is inherent, treasure it. It's nice not knowing how all your dreams are worthless! Nobody cares about how you want to become a doctor, or travel all around. Nobody cares!"

I shook at the sheer force of trying to keep my anger in check, and I slowly rose from my submissive position on the floor. Dad always said to show no weakness. Be emotionless.

"So learn to keep your thoughts to yourself and maybe everything will work out. But don't hold your breath!"

The ground creaked and moaned, sloshing back in forth, as the walls tore apart. As the wood smashed in half, whirling around as if in a hurricane, I locked eyes with younger me.

He glared, his eyes turning a dark red, his jaw unhinged and snapped open, and he threw himself at me. Darkness consumed me.

I shot up in bed, my own screaming startling me awake. I felt coldness seep into me, the type you feel right before you pass out.

Two arms wrapped themselves around me, bringing me down to lay on their owners bare chest. Dan.

We stayed still, me panting trying to get ahold of myself, while he rubbed circles into my skin, whispering sweet nothings into my ear.

With all my might, I willed myself to breathe regularly. I slid my hands onto the mattress and lifted myself up to look to the clock.

12:30.

Great.

Dan put his hand on the small of my back and gently reassured me back onto the bed, whispering about how to 'go to sleep' and 'we'll talk in the morning'. Honestly who was I to argue, Dan Howell, the most popular boy in school is holding me.

I was going to take advantage of this before 'fully- alert Phil' could come and ruin the party. 'Sleepy Phil' is much more fun.

So I settled down, his warm skin heating up my cheek, letting myself be awakened by the birds chirping, sun filtering in through the blinds, and fingers playing with my hair. I gripped the persons shoulds, dragging myself so I could be right underneath their chin.

Rumbling shook my head as the person laughed, making me giggle in return. The rough morning voice of my pillow made him sound scratchy and like he just started puberty.

"Do you think we can talk about it now?"

I sigh deeply, tangling my legs with his. I nuzzle further into him before speaking up, "I saw a man and I was yelling at him. His face was all fuzzy until I finished my little tangent, I saw that it was my father all along."

I cut myself off, a sob threatening to escape. "Then I fell onto the floor crying, and next time looked up it was me as a child. He was so small and scared. I don't know why I shouted at him, telling him to give up, like it would somehow reverse what has happened to me."

I propped myself up on my elbow not looking into the persons eyes yet. "My dad beat me a few times, thinking I wanted attention so he was gonna give it to me. Still have the scars. I wasn't looking for attention. Well not those times. Other times when I slit my wrists yes. I was hoping my parents would see that I really was their only child."

I glanced up at the person, his caramel orbs sad and caring,

Caramel?

Huh! Dan!

Shit!

I threw myself off of him, begging and apologising as I cowered in the corner of my bed. His actions were slow and confused as he sat himself. He placed his hand on my cheek wiping away tears, as I shook.

"I'm so sorry for bothering you." I whimpered. "For touching you, for waking you! I should never have! You're so beautiful and important, and I'm so ugly, fat, and worthless! I'm so sorry please don't be mad at me I'll do anything! Money, food, sex! Just please don't hurt me!"

Dan sat there, dumbstruck and horrified. "Baby, no! You didn't do anything wrong, beautiful. Why would you think you had to sell yourself to me? Have you done this before?"

I looked away, ashamed.

A sad sigh escaped him, before he pulled me onto his lap. "Gorgeous please don't ever do that again, you hear me?" I nod slowly and he continues. "Please don't think there is anything you can't come to with. I'll be here for you. You know you're beautiful right?"

I look up at him, glossy eyed and shake my head. "You don't have to lie."

"But I'm not lying." I search his eyes for any evil intent and after finding none, I cuddle into his warm embrace. He lies us down and pulls the duvet up to our chins.

He kisses the top of my head, and little butterflies explode in my tummy. I relax, fitting myself perfectly into his body.

I'm content, though the slightest bit confused.

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><p><strong>Hey nerds! How's school? Sorry this is so short! I've been watching Pretty Little Liars and DAMN is it ridiculous! Like there's more to life than Ezra, Aria! Seriously you're sixteen. AND TOBY NO! <strong>

**Sorry.**

**Anyway my sisters old laptop that is now mine is being a moron, by literally coming off of it's hinges. You should see it. So now that it has been rendered useless, I have taken it upon myself to commandeered my parents laptop. If you can call it that.**

**So you may not be seeing a lot of me for the time being.**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter, which title is by Tool and I'll catch you later! **

**Ta ta!**


	9. Lost In the Echo

***WARNING* Bullying? Abuse? I dunno. If you have any questions please consult the magic conch, it knows all.**

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><p>You tell me I'm so smart, but when I express my opinion I'm full of myself<p>

I'm a know- it - all

I don't understand what I'm saying

I'm conceited and vain, self- obsessed,

But what am I supposed to feel?

Because right now I feel numb

Stupid and lonely and confused

Who am I?

Not the person you want me to be,

The real me.

Where am I?

I lost him and because of that I've lost you,

I've lost every single one of you,

What have I become?

I've done so many things I promised I'd never do,

But here I am, killing you slowly,

While I walk away battered and bruised,

I stand over his grave and I'm reliving that day,

I haven't been me in so long,

I'm not sure I'll ever be me again,

I need to find a place where I'll belong,

Right now I think that place doesn't exist,

But I'll let you know it certainly isn't here,

I've felt the devastation as well,

You're not the only one who sees it,

You aren't the only one who's lost,

I just have to hide it,

Even the happiest of people have their dark days,

Mine is every day, I'm just not allowed to show it.

* * *

><p>Dan POV<p>

I cuddled Phil close to me, tangling every bit of my body with his, making sure he knew I was there. His new revelations making my heart ache even more, if that was possible. _Can this kid ever catch a break?_

I flew my fingers all over his back, feather light touches tickling his pale skin. His breath puffed out of his nose making his nostrils flare. He hadn't said a word since his big out burst, and I could hardly say I blame him.

Ten minutes of our silent bliss and I decided he'd had enough.

"Hey Phil?"

He lifted his head to glance at me shyly, his cobalt orbs hidden behind his long black lashes. "What do you say we go out somewhere? We could bring Mikey and Troye? You could meet Junna as well."

I watched him snatch his lower lip between his canine, clamping down and worrying it to where I thought it might eyes screamed in terror and I continued with my coaxing.

"You know Michael and Troye. I promise that Junna doesn't bite either. Please we won't go far and I won't pressure you to do something you don't want to!" I begged.

I don't beg for just anyone, I hope Phil realizes how special he really is. Damn he has me wrapped around his finger without trying.

He nods ever so slightly, probably wishing I hadn't noticed, but I hadn't taken my eyes off of him.

"Great! I'll call them!"

With the plans quickly arranged and run over with Mike we all agreed to meet at 11:30 at a nice local coffee shop.

I had to constantly reassure Phil that everything was alright, and I had to pick out his clothes that he took with trembling hands. I held him as he sobbed over the coffee meeting, I wrapped my arm tightly around his waste as we walked out of the building and all the way down the four streets.

I convinced him to go into the store and order coffee. I sat him down, placing a hand on his knee waiting for the others. I rubbed circles, squares, triangles, squiggles, anything to calm him down, I could feel him becoming jittery.

The fourth time the bell rang and I looked over they were all there. I felt Phil become stiff with fright and I gave him an encouraging smile. They ordered their drinks, Junna skipping over and scootching all the way down the booth seats to the window.

She gives us her biggest, brightest smile and threw herself into an introduction. "Hello Phil! I am Junna! I have heard much about you! Very good things, yes!"

Phil barely got out a quiet hello before she was off on another tangent. Michael slumped down next to her and Troye sat next to me. Junna talked on and on, even after our waiter came and went.

I lifted my hand once to sip at my drink and the second I brought it back down, Phil immediately grasped it. I smiled inwardly and squeezed his gently. Michael gave us a knowing look before tuning to Junna and saying something along the lines of 'Do you ever stop talking?' which earned a hard punch from her.

"I have always wanted to punch you. Say something like that again and drop- kick your head over a fence, okay?"

His eyes went comically wide and he nodded his head slowly, obviously not taking her seriously. Through the rest of our meal we held hands, squeezing back and forth like we were having our own little conversation that no one else could listen in on. It gave me a strange giddy feeling, like some little schoolgirl.

We all paid our respective meals and made our way out to the cold autumn air. Junna and Troye were in the front, Phil and I in the middle, and Michael in the rear. We all talked back and forth, making each other holler with laughter, Phil even putting in a few words edge- wise.

We reached the dorm rooms and reluctantly parted ways. I locked our door behind us, after Michael gave me a slap on the back, a suggestive wink, and whispered 'you two better be banging'. To which I replied with a scoff and a mental after thought of 'I wish'.

Phil sat on his bed almost uncertainly. I picked up our back- packs and pulled out my homework and Phil did the same. We did work until dinner, listening to music and movies as background noise.

Dinner went by rather uneventfully as suspected. Everyone chatted like nothing was wrong, though we could all feel the electricity in the air, and the drastic change that would come from it.

I slipped upstairs without being noticed, and I flopped onto my bed, taking out my laptop. I mindlessly surfed the internet until 10:30. Phil had come back an hour earlier, taken a shower and has been tossing in his bed for the past hour.

I shut the lid closed, and placed it on my chair. I swung my legs over the side of my bed and walked the few steps to Phil's. I threw the covers off of him, pushed him to the middle and climbed in.

He stared at me not saying a word. Then he scooted closer to me, hovering his body slightly over mine, he leaned down and pecked my cheek. He swiftly buried himself in my chest, but I could feel his cheeks burning.

A huge smile split over my features, taking over every inch of it. I yanked the cord to the bed- side lamp and settled into Phil, wrapping my arms around him tightly.I heard him let out a satisfied grunt and my smile widened.

I had the best sleep of my life, with him sleeping safely in my arms.

* * *

><p><strong>It's short and<strong> **shit I know I'm sorry.**

**So much fluff I'm gonna throw up. Well we needed it. If there's anything you'd like me to add to this please tell me and I'll see what I can do. So my mom got a new light for my snake and it's red. I'm just waiting for the serial killer to come and get me, the red light is very eerie. Any way thank you to Its-real-to-us who has been very faithful, you make my day every time I see your username.**

**So how do you think this is coming along? To fast? Crap writing? Anything? Please tell. **

**Well this chapters title is by Linkin Park. Thank you for your reviews and follows and favorites. I'll see you soon!**

**Ta ta!**


	10. Shake It Out

***WARNING!* Bullying! Sorry it's so late.**

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><p>Many nights had passed and winter break was looming on the horizon. To say I was excited was an understatement, I was elated. I couldn't wait to see my family again, even Vivian. Phil was pressed up against me again.<p>

We usually stayed in our respective beds, unless he had a bad night or a nightmare. So here I was keeping him comfortably close, skin on skin, fingers tangled in hair, and it felt so intimate, yet to be shattered in the morning, when we spoke not of it.

This was one of the times I treasured most, it was the early hours of the morning, the stars were beginning to snuff out one by one, and Phil slept soundlessly through the night. He would clutch closer to me, his sub-conscious greedily devouring the affection as it knew, it wouldn't feel it tomorrow.

He hummed contentedly, mewling almost, as I scratched his scalp. His steady breathing lulled me in and out of consciousness, and before I knew it the alarm was going off and Phil's warmth was gone.

I heard the water shut off and I decided it was high time I hauled my lazy ass off the bed before he could slip away. The door creaked open and Phil's blue pools peeped back at me.

He smiled apprehensively, scurrying to his closet, to put his clothes away. He buttoned up his shirt and pulled the sleeves down to his knuckles. I watched him through his morning routine as I did mine.

I rarely saw Phil in the mornings, him always awake before I was. I brushed my teeth and dressed rapidly, wanting to have a chance to talk with him.

I heard him sneak to the door obviously sensing I wanted to talk.

"Wait, Phil!" I grabbed him around the waist and pulled him around. We were both still, our brains going haywire from the close proximity.

"I. I was wondering if you'd like to come with me and a few friends somewhere later today?" I managed to stutter.

"I don't know." He sounded like he was far away from here. Maybe I had the same effect on him as he had on me.

"Oh come on! It won't be anybody you don't know! Please?" I pleaded.

I saw his resolve crumble and he nodded.

"Great! Meet me outside the library at three! I won't disappoint!" I said as I rushed out of the room, realizing breakfast only had fifteen more minutes left.

I slipped into the cafeteria unnoticed and grabbed my food. I plopped myself down next to Mikey and it seemed as though no one noticed I was late. Well except for the all knowing Michael.

He, of course, gave me a wink and a nudge before turning back to his conversation with Peter. I ate my breakfast in silence, exchanging a few words with Troye, but I had no real interest.

School came and went, and before I knew it, I was in my last class of the day. I nudged Mike's foot, to get his attention, and he leaned over close.

"I invited Phil to come along with us." I whispered to him as he gave me his best shit- eating grin, that seemed to taunt, 'I knew it!'.

My face turned beet red and stayed that way til the end of class.

"So where are we meeting your date?" Mike asked imploringly, lacing his tone with faux innocence.

"He's not my date! And we're meeting at the library!" I said exasperated.

"Not yet at least."

"What was that?"

"Nooooooooothin'."

"Mhmm."

We took a few more turns before we approached the towering old brick building, that had become a sort of home for Phil.

I smiled as I saw the familiar mop of ebony hair, and pearl white skin. I heard Michael give a low wolf whistle and I growled at him.

His eyebrows shot up and his hands placed in mock surrender. I plopped myself down on the concrete next to Phil and I slung my arm across his shoulder.

"So when is everyone else getting here?" Phil asked, directing the question at Mikey. I felt a swell of pride at his bravery to talk to someone other than me.

"They should be here any minute, and speak of the devil, here comes Peter now." Mike said.

I watched him wrap his arms around Peter's waist and hug him tightly, a pained look glimpsed over his features. I looked at Peter confusedly and his eyes told me that he'd tell me later.

Michael turned to us, his arms still wrapped around Peter and cheek up against his chest. He swayed them back in forth, in a calm beat.

Troye, Junna, Kirsten, Martha, Drew, Adam, and Amy. We clambered to our feet and began our short trek to the park. They paid no heed to Phil, treating him as they would any normal human being.

I think it shocked him a bit before he began to slightly warm up to them, giving Drew and Adam more than a one word answer.

Before long he was making light jokes but he still stuck to me like glue. We settled under a large oak tree, by the lake shore and we huddled together against the wind.

I had Phil wrapped in my arms and Mike was next to my other side. We nibbled on a few snacks Amy made, everyone devouring her cooking.

The sun was high in the sky but it did little to warm us against the biting wind. Everyone was having a great time, talking animatedly before a loud crack sounded and heavy footsteps followed.

We all fall silent, not saying a word. Blood pumped in our ears, our breathing was too loud, and I heard Phil gulp.

The leaves continued to rustle, closer and closer, until they stop right behind us. The forest was completely silent, the figure coming around the bend, fingers, gripping the bark.

No one dared move when suddenly the shape jumped out and Amy gave a terrifying scream.

"AHAH! You should have seen your faces!" Aaron and one of his bully friends doubled over laughing and the group gave a collective sigh of relief.

Oh but not Phil. He tensed up, shaking and breathing rapid. I gripped him tighter.

"So what's with the loser? Lure him out here to beat him up and then ditch him? Good idea! Wish I'd thought of it!" He said, with each word getting a step closer, until he was mere inches from him.

He reached out and caressed his cheek, Phil flinched away.

"Aww! Poor little dog scared?" He giggled.

"Aaron." Peter warned.

Aaron removed his hand, still smirking, when he raised his palm and swung down as to strike him. But a hand caught his wrist and twisted it back, launching him to the floor.

"Peter!?"

"Aaron?"

He scrambled upwards glared at us all and then bolted to the tree line. Everything was silent, only the crickets chirping and the startled birds flying away.

"Phil I.." Was all I got out before he burst into body wracking sobs. Tears flowed down his cheeks and I held him close.

I felt everyone surround him in an almost shelter and we rocked him back in forth, until his cries died out and he was so emotionally exhausted the he fell asleep and Peter carried him home.

* * *

><p><strong>Hour 37 of no sleep. I've lost all hope and my legs have a weird tingly feeling in them. <strong>

**HE FREAKIN BIT ME! MORDECAI! That shit hurts! OUCH! I can't even take him out anymore it scares me. I wonder if he can hear my heart pulsating erratically? Anyway I made like a cover for this story sort of, but I'm not so sure about it.**

**Like I have everything mapped out for this story. Their room, school, houses, what they look like, and I kinda wanna draw it but eh. Did anyone else forget Peter? I did. He's supposed to be a part of the story I just forgot him. Oh dear lord.**

**Plus Junna is based off one of my friends from Japan, so if her speech is weird, that's just how my friend talked.**

**Please review, they make me very happy and motivated to keep writing! This chapter's title is by Florence and the Machine. Well I'll see you soon!**

**Ta ta!**


	11. Broken Wings

**Phil POV**

I knew that Dan wanted to talk, I could tell by the way he kept looking at me. I shuffled around the room, trying my hardest to not make a sound. I slipped over to the door and slowly turned the handle, when I heard a shout for my name.

An arm circled around me and pulled me close, so close in fact that I was mere centimeters from the optimistic chocolate orbs of Dan. After a full minute he finally spoke.

The words were muffled by the whirling haze of my thoughts, but I managed to catch them. He wants _me _to go with him, somewhere with his good- looking popular friends?

_I don't know?_

And he's speaking again, trying to persuade me to go. Did I say that out loud?

He abruptly finished his tirade of justifications, and turned anticipating eyes toward me.

_Oh great what do I do know? I can't say no to that!_

I commanded words to befall upon me, and they did hastily, molding my lips to form the words. He's gone once he hears my confirmation, spewing the directions at me, and I barely catch the entourage of gibberish.

Somehow my brain can comprehend the muddled words and I know where are rendezvous is. My bones rattle and I've skipped every meal, the anticipation killing me. I walk through the day like a zombie, not hearing the insults hurtled toward me, or when Aaron shoulder checks.

My last class was a free period, so I decided to head over to the library early and wait out front. I settled against the crude bricks and I waited in silence, letting myself clear out all my thoughts.

But when I have to much time to think, I get nervous. Soon I was teeming with negative thoughts.

_Where they coming?_

_Would they like me?_

_Would they make fun of me?_

And with the final bell sounding ten minutes ago, they became more relentless.

I barely heard the whistle that escaped Mike's mouth and I turned to see a very flustered Dan.

_They came._

I bit back a massive smile, and instead went for a bashful grin and a timid hello. The boys talked back in forth after greeting me and I made the courageous decision to ask Mike a question.

I saw Dan smile at me and I wondered if it had to do with me reaching out? I decided if so, I would do my best to see that lovely smile directed at me once again.

Peter and everyone came. We all but marched to the park, yelling and laughing in comradery. All these people defied my expectations. Kirsten, who honestly looks like she could bite my head off is actually quite amicable.

Peter, the brains and the brawn, wouldn't hurt a fly, Amy who I once thought was vapid has a very colorful personality. Martha doesn't seem like she's the sharpest knife in the draw, is an amazing musician. Drew and Adam are and absolute riot.

But the person I was most wrong about was Dan, I couldn't imagine me without him right now. It's just I didn't particularly have a reason to live, but now I do, and it's not him.

He taught me a wonderful lesson. How to love yourself. He showed me that it's not vain or egotistical of me, it just means I can accept and move on.

I don't think I would have made it through the year.

We made it to the park and we rooted ourselves to the ground, next to a large tree by the lake. We huddled together, shielding ourselves from the harsh wind. Amy passed around the snacks she made, and oh my god, I don't think I've ever eaten something so delicious!

Which, I know, isn't that impressive coming from me, but that's beside the point.

I relaxed into Dan's ready arms and I continued to chat with Amy. Dan kept smiling proudly at me when I would start a conversation, or make a comment, so I did it as often as my low confidence and anxiety would allow me.

We were all enjoying ourselves when the trees behind us began shaking, and footsteps followed. The whole group went deathly faint. Nobody moved as the pale hand slithered around the trunk.

Suddenly the hand snaps back and Aaron jumps out causing Amy to let out a bloodcurdling scream.

_Oh shit._

He and a friend of his that I recognized as one of my tormentors, both doubled over in laughter. Aaron straightened his back when he saw me. He said something but the blood pumping to my ears wouldn't allow it.

My breathing became rapid, and somewhere in the far reaches of my mind, I felt someone hold me closer. I felt his frigid hand on my cheek and I flinched. He slowly brought it back and I knew what happened next.

Though, like a train wreck, I couldn't take my eyes away. I watched the hand swing down to strike me, when tanned fingers caught pale wrists, and tossed them far away from me.

I watched him scramble to his feet, glare at us all, the break for the tree line, his friend hot on his heels.

"Phil I.." Dan began before I burst into tears.

I don't know why I was crying just that I knew I needed to. I needed to let someone know how much pain I was in, even if most of them were virtually strangers. I bawled until I was reduced to a blubbering, sniveling, mess.

I felt strong arms that were not Dan's pick me up and I began to panic. It took me a minute to realize I was with friends. I really have friends! Well not yet really, but I was gunnin' for it.

I felt soft hands wipe across my forehead, to fix my fringe, and I wanted to bat their hands away, but mine were shaking too much. I decided that if whoever was carrying me didn't need me to be awake, so I nuzzled closer, and breathed deeper, letting darkness take over.

And for once, I was not afraid.

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><p><strong>So guess who should be studying for the SAT's that she has tomorrow but is too much of a lazy shit? Yeah that's right me. I DON'T WANNA! Well y'all get two chapters in two days. Whoopie!<strong>

**Hey so if you wanna read a good phanfic there's one called Rumor Mill on wattpad and tumblr as well (I think?). It's pretty great. It helps me procrastinate from my study duties. And it honestly doesn't have as much attention that it deserves. Seriously, if you thought I was a good writer, she blows me out of the water.**

**Well, I get ice cream tomorrow so that's a bonus! Yaay! Thank you all for favoriting and following and reviewing, the whole nine yards! This chapter's title is by Flyleaf(Shock!). I better get to bed. Good night!**

**Ta ta!**


	12. I'm sorry guys!

**Hey guys!**

**So I know this isn't what you wanted, but I just wanted to say I might not be updating for a while. It pains me to do this, but February is a pretty difficult time for me.**

**I mean who knows, I could update tomorrow or not at all this month. I just want you guys to know they're most likely going to be inconsistent.**

**I'm just very sad right now, and I just have nowhere to turn. So I've reached the point where all the things I used to enjoy makes me feel drained.**

**I'm unhappy and I just feel like a bother, I'm so so so sorry for this inconvenience, and I'll see you later.**

**Ta ta! **


	13. Help Is On the Way

***WARNING* Mentions of abuse, bullying, self-harm and all that?(Look I'm not good at this stuff!)**

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><p>Phil POV<p>

I don't really remember the next few hours, just that there was a lot of people talking, and walking around. I shifted uncomfortably, trying to relieve the stabbing pain in my back.

The ruckus in the room hushed to the tiny pitter-patter of sneaking feet. I felt the mattress dip under someone's weight, and my name was murmured.

Phil, was my name wasn't it?

I determined that it couldn't hurt to answer this mystery person.

"Yes?"

"Oh thank goodness you're awake!"

I forced my eyelids open, though they continued to droop closed, keeping the prickling fuzz from clearing away, and letting the details sharpen.

My hand slithered over to my bedside table, groping for my glasses, when they were tenderly situated on my nose.

I skimmed over the practical strangers, huddled near my bed, consternation dilled their eyes.

"How are you?" a voice spoke through the mess of beings.

"I'm not okay." Someone said. Was that me? It didn't sound like it. It was hoarse and weak from exhaustion.

It was the voice of someone who's lost all hope, was dragged through hell, and left smack in the middle by themselves, to fight their demons alone, without a shield or sword.

Someone who saw the fight and knew they couldn't win.

Amy bowed her head and buried in Peter's chest, not being able to look at me anymore. Can't say I blame her, I'm absolutely disgusting.

An abomination, waste of space, useless, anything you could think of.

I gawked as Dan strode to my side, and engulfed me in a bear hug, telling me how I was the most gorgeous thing to walk this planet.

He was intoxicating. His scent clogging my nostrils, his touch made blood surge from my heart, making me feel surreal. His caring words and soft tone blocked my ears, leaving me unaware of the rest of the world.

My breath caught in my throat, a knot forming.

"Not perfect." I managed to grind out, through gritted teeth.

"Yes perfect." He insisted.

"No!" I yanked the hem of my sweater up and over my chest and onto the floor. I heard Martha gasp, and I hesitated, before _fuck it, _he needs to know.

I projected the soft pale flesh of the underside of my arms for all to see, wrathful, scarlet, slashes intertwined with purple splotches, left by their painters, on this repulsive canvas.

I'm stained, ruined by the very hands that crafted me, ghosting across my skin, leaving their claim, on a useless portrait.

Flesh that defiled my body, ravished my heart, and turned off all the lights. Water pricked at my eyes, clumping together my lashes, burning my cheeks.

Fingers latched onto my wrist, and warm lips met my unworthy skin. They graced their love over every blemish, and the tears were spilling down onto my chin.

Dan rested a hand on my cheek, and rubbed them from my face.

"Beautiful." He stated, with just as much confidence as before. Beautiful people don't have scars on their wrists, beautiful people's parents love them, and beautiful people aren't bullied or hated, so I just can't be beautiful.

Why can't he see that?!

"No!" I choked out, that really just sounded like a pathetic cry for help, from a child who couldn't save themselves.

But I guess that's just what I am.

I crave the self- destruction, the mutilation of my skin, the hours I lay in agony caused by my own hand. Screaming and yelling internally, I'm addicted to the madness, afraid to let go in fear of the change, no matter how good it might be.

I don't want to stop being this way; I want to stay in the only reality I've ever known. In this safe space I've created, where I belong.

I don't want it.

I'm so afraid, and no one hears my cry for help.

Warm hands caress my clammy skin as I grip the toilet bowl, knuckles white from the tension. I gurgle the mouth wash, dispelling my taste buds of the horrific acidic sensation, burning the back of my throat.

I shoved my sweatshirt over my head and shuffled over to the edge of my bed and sat down, all whilst never looking anyone in the eye.

I was ashamed of my outburst, and the marks on me. Two petite arms wound around my chest, and Amy whispered how proud she was and that they'd see me tomorrow.

Everyone shuffled out, Peter giving Michael a quick peck, and ruffled my hair.

"Bed time, yeah?" Troye said.

I gave anon-committal grunt, when a pair of pajama bottoms collided with my head. I stripped hastily, no longer afraid of them judging me.

Mike clambered into Dan's bed, before giving him a strange look. A silent conversation was discussed between them, before a conclusion was made.

Hesitantly Dan approached my bed and climbed in, scooping me into his arms. I observed as Troye fell into Dan's bed, not quite as awkward as Dan himself.

The light was switched off, and darkness consumed every corner. I buried my head into Dan's chest, arms gripping each other tightly, with so much desperation, I was sure they would leave bruises.

Not that it really mattered in my case, but whatever.

I fell into an uneasy sleep, Mikey's snores, in time with my own breathing.

I awoke many a times, only to be coaxed back into the nightmare by my desire to feel pain, and the fingers twisting in my hair and heart.

I don't think he knows what he does to me.

Or what he got himself into for that matter.

He's taken upon himself an impossible task.

* * *

><p><strong>UGH! I'm dying. Send help, abort mission. I'm sorry it's so short!<strong>

**I feel like, I've progressed too quickly with Phil, because, come on, a few nice words and some comfort aren't going to fix years of abuse, bullying, and self-hatred.**

**So that's kind of what this chapter is about, focusing on that problem. Let's be honest, he's screwed up. I think in a lot of stories, they find their 'soulmate' and everything's fine and dandy!**

**Unfortunately, that is not how it goes.**

**Sorry. Life sucks.**

**This title is by Rise Against. Good band. I know I don't really say this, but I appreciate every single one of you. Every follow review, and favorite!**

**So thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this piece of shit.**

**IT'S BED TIME!**

**GOOD NIGHT!**

**Ta ta!**


	14. I'm Just a Kid

***WARNING!* Bullying and smut! (It's not really, I don't know how to write smut, what do you want from me it was requested! Help.)**

* * *

><p>A few days past, school went by in a flurry of homework, projects, and bruises. The library, where I currently sat, was still my refuge. Dan and I hardly talked, not from lack of trying, just that we were busy.<p>

Believe it or not Dan is quite an intelligent young man, in many AP courses, and almost fluent in French.

We hardly ever bumped into each other, and when we did, we didn't acknowledge one another. The chilly autumn days shifted like the colors of the leaves, to the bitter cold of winter and bare branches.

People picture winter as a bleak and desolate time, they don't look beyond the dark, cloudy days and frozen rain. This was actually my favorite season, the snow flurries swirling around in the wind, and decorating the barren trees, with their pure white grace.

I loved the endless hours sipping hot chocolate, and reading books, all snuggled up in an overly fluffy duvet. It hadn't snowed here, yet. I was stilling holding on hope for a white Christmas.

I walked out of the warm and toasty library, into the light drizzle of rain, that seemed to always bless itself over England.

I was completely and utterly exhausted, and couldn't wait to faceplant into my wonderfully inviting bed. I shuffled across the slippery pavement, the hurricane of wind almost knocking me off my feet.

My dorm building loomed over me, and I swung my backpack off my shoulders to get my keycard. I rummaged through all of my folders, not seeing my card.

"Looking for something?"

Shit.

Aaron stood fifteen feet away, keycard dangling from his clutches.

"G-give it b-back." I demanded between chattering teeth.

He chuckled deep in his throat. "Well, why don't you come and get it." Before chucking it to the football field, carrying with the wind.

I let something halfway between a strangled cry and a gasp, knowing my aching legs would have to support me the whole way there.

I all but waddled over, legs still stiff from cold and sitting for far too long. I didn't notice the hand that shot out and pushed itself against my chest before it was too late.

My head smashed into to the concrete, pain erupted from my skull, making me see white and my back arched off the ice. I screamed in agony, curling my frozen body into a ball, and squeezed my eyes shut.

I used to believe in a god, someone who was all powerful and knowing, who could save me from this hell hole, but he's no where to be found.

Now I hardly even believe in dreams.

**Dan POV**

* * *

><p>I was lounging on my bed waiting for Phil. We were going to watch a movie on this dreary Thursday afternoon, but he had yet to arrive.<p>

I swung my legs over the side and waltzed over to the window hoping to see him. What I saw was something I should have expected but didn't want to believe.

Aaron was standing a few yards from Phil, something dangling from his clutches. I wasted no time in bolting down to Troye's room.

I frantically banged on the door, and when no one answered I let out a frustrated cry and fell to my knees. I hastily fished around in my pockets for my phone and sent a text to Mikey.

'Get to the parking lot'

'Why?'

'It's Phil'

'On my way'

I scampered down the two flights of stairs, and looked out the slightly condensed glass. Aaron was gone, and Phil was curled in on himself.

I thrusted open the door, rushing over to the motionless body of my friend. I jostled him, careful to not be too rough, afraid of hurting him further.

Two feet slapped against the ice and helped me hoist Phil onto his feet. He swayed to the side a little before latching onto me and securing himself.

"Are you alright?" I whispered.

"Yeah, I didn't hit my head to hard."

I took his freezing hands and cocooned them with mine, blowing my warm breath on them.

"Let's get you inside, yeah?" Mikey said.

I wrapped an arm over his shoulder and together we managed to hobble inside, up the stairs, and into the safety of our dorm.

I thanked Mikey and he made his way back to his room. I closed the door and turned to Phil, to find he'd already stripped down to his boxers, and I could clearly see the way every bone stuck out.

The way his waist cinched and and clung to his ribs, his shoulder blades popped out of his back, and there was absolutely no fat on his thighs. He pulled too small sweatpants over skeletal legs, and turned over to me.

His collarbones were tight against his skin, his tummy caved in on itself, and hips were prominently displayed.

I was by his side in two strides, and enveloped him in a tight hug. We rocked back and forth, his icy skin beginning to warm against me.

He shifted his head to look at me. His onyx hair tickling me, and his azure eyes glowing ever brighter.

I gazed back at him, slipping my hands down to rest at the small of his back, and he brought his up to my neck.

"Please." He uttered.

And that's all I was waiting for. I crashed my lips onto his, tearing hungerly at him. I sucked on his bottom lip, relishing in the moan he elicited.

I licked on his bottom lip asking for entrance, which he eagerly accepted. I practically shoved my tongue his throat, exploring every inch, and my hands trailing down to grip his ass.

He gave out a shocked squeak and I pulled away from him, laughing.

"Oh I just wasn't expecting it." He giggled, cheeks dusting a light pink.

I rested our foreheads together and pulled him closer.

"Was that your first kiss?" I murmured, to which he replied a tired 'no' much to my surprise.

"Can we lie down, I'm cold?" He asked.

"Sure, but only if we can watch a movie." I said.

"Of course." He laughed.

I picked my laptop off of my desk and plopped it on my bed. I picked up a random disk and pushed it in.

I pulled back my comforter and patted the space in between my legs. He crawled in, bringing the covers with him. He settled the computer on his lap, and I coaxed his hunched form to my chest and pressed gentle kisses all along his jaw and neck.

I felt him shiver beneath me, and I wrapped my arms over his.

"It feels like I'm in a cocoon where no one can hurt me." He whispered, sad orbs locking with mine.

"That's because you are, love." I said. Oh nicknames already!

He smiled weakly, burying into me once again, and focusing his attention onto the movie. We stayed like this for God knows how long, and half the time we just spent snogging, caught up in our new found relationship.

And so here I find myself, straddling a stark naked Phil, and trailing sloppy kisses down his chest. I bite and suck around his navel before, licking torturously slow down, and I kiss the soft flesh of his inner thighs.

I placed two hands on his hips to steady him, and looked him in the eye.

"Are you sure?" I asked, and all I received was a low desperate moan, causing me to be even more turned on.

I blew my warm breath on his member making him squirm and I held him tight, as I licked the pre-cum from his head, before swallowing him, hollowing my cheeks.

I began bobbing my head back and forth, dragging my teeth lightly and then running my tongue of the skin. I swallowed his cum and brought myself back up to hover over Phil, and pecked his lips.

He opened his tired eyes, panting and smiling.

"Now it's bed time." I stated, flopping back to my side.

He cuddled up to me, and I tangled our limbs, both still completely naked and now freezing.

"Let's do that again sometime." He said in absolutely the most innocent voice I've ever heard.

"Definitely." I chortled.

* * *

><p><strong>So I saw this thing on Tumblr that really pissed me off, I don't know if they were being serious or not. They said something about Dan not having anorexia or cutting, and Phil crying at everything. <strong>

**Well first and foremost I would like to say, fuck you. How dare you shit all over someone's hard work, just because it's an 'overused' plot. No one gives a flying fuck about what you think.**

**Quit with the superiority complex, because it's just fanFICTION! We are expressing ourselves, in a productive way, and we mean no harm to Dan or Phil.**

**Yeah, I know they don't cut or starve themselves, BUT IT'S FICTION FOR PETE'S SAKE! As a writer (and I may be the only one who does this) I don't see the Dan and Phil I watch on Youtube, I see the Dan and Phil I have created! I see the emotion, that I've put behind these words, that I FEEL! **

**This is me, not Dan and Phil, because it never happened, to either of them. This has been a PSA. Sorry for that little rant, considering that probably didn't apply to any of you, cause, you know, you're reading this.**

**I started to scream the song while I was writing. It was great. I should go now.**

**Ta ta!**


	15. People Help the People

***WARNING!* Eh the usual, I don't feel like typing. **

**Okay so I want you all to listen to People Help the People, the Birdie version, while you read, it makes it better. Well Phil's part. Please do it for me:)**

* * *

><p>You're the only one who has problems,<p>

The only one who's allowed to feel,

You're in denial, lying to yourself constantly,

You think so highly of yourself, paint the perfect picture,

I'm the villian and you're the victim,

But we both know that's not how it really is,

Yes I understand you're worse than me, but I take the blame and you take the crown,

You take back words that have already been said,

Say you never spoke them, you're living in Wonderland,

Where you're the Queen of Hearts, and I'm Alice,

All because of a past, that's long been erased from your little game,

They've thrown down everything for you,

Given their lives for you,

And you have the audacity to say they're terrible,

Awful,

Stupid,

Hateful,

Yeah, well who's the hypocrite now,

You ask what I want you to do to fix this,

I just want you away,

You speak to me like I'm a child,

Look down on me as if I'm a speck of dirt,

But I'm the one who could live without you,

I could do anything, go anywhere,

And just you wait and see,

'Cause I'm gonna live, and leave you behind,

You're the dead and I'm the divine.

**Phil POV**

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><p>I'm walking, walking, walking, no real destination in mind, just walking. The rhythmic pounding of my feet.<p>

Step. Crunch. Click. Snap.

People everywhere, whizzing about, places to call their own, families to come home to, a life unique to them and them alone.

It's a few days until Christmas, Dan joined me for lunch many times, and Amy actually sat with me in a few classes.

Yesterday was the last day until break, and Dan had spent every second possible with me. He left early before me, leaving me his number to call, and a little wrapped box on my pillow.

I haven't opened it yet.

No one ever came to pick me up so I had to come up with a way to make it back. I took bus after bus, and walked the last six miles.

The front door glided open as I arrived on the porch, and I made my way into our foray. The warm air enveloped me, making my skin tingle, and the sweet scent of cookies assaulted my nostrils.

Cookies?

My mother never made cookies, and grandma was too sick to do that this year. I heard jolly laughter come from the living room, and I froze in my tracks. That sounded like my dad!

I haven't heard him laugh like that in years!

My heart soared, and fluttered only to be immediately shattered at the scene that played out. A young boy, maybe fourteen, with jet black hair, and icy eyes.

He was the exact replica of me.

But better.

He was tall and slim, fit and not a skeleton like me. He had strong hands, capable of doing many things, while mine were thin and clumsy, not even able to hold a pencil right.

His jaw was strong and cheekbones prominent, while my nose was crooked and bent. He was handsome and athletic, while I was ugly and a mistake.

His was muscular and smart, where as I was littered in bruises and cuts, and barely even able to hold up a fork. Where I was awkward and slipped over my own words, he was confident and outgoing, approaching people first.

He was interesting, I was boring.

He was everything I wasn't, could never be.

And this was Eli, my replacement.

My bigger, better, more handsome, adopted brother.

Our house was a two bedroom, two bathroom, split level, twentieth century modern. There was no room for me.

"Oh, Phil! Come meet your new brother!" My cousin exclaimed.

I smiled stiffly and reached out my hand to him, which he shook just as coldly. I felt my father's vice grip on my shoulder, digging into my pale flesh, leaving crimson crescent indents.

He steered me towards the kitchen and into a chair. The sweet smell of cookies, once comforting, now stifling and made me want to vomit.

Father explained to me how Eli will be staying in my old room, as I am away at school. I found that everything I kept in there was quite literally thrown into our little storage space, along with a stale blanket and flat pillow.

That was now my room.

Relatives shuffled past me, not acknowledging my existence, in favor of the better me. Can't say I blame them. My presence was not needed at the dinner table, so I was not welcome.

I sat in my new 'room' which was absolutely freezing. But that might just be, because I'm sitting on hard wood floor, or because this blanket was so flimsy, or maybe because there was no heating in here.

I had walked past our tree, underneath were many presents, a lot more than usual, though I knew none were for me.

There hadn't been any for years.

I used to lie awake for hours, waiting for Santa to come and bring the presents, until the excitement wore me out. Now, I just wish I could sleep through the holiday season, all the relatives, presents, baking, ignoring, beatings, exams, insomnia wearing me out.

I used to think life was a piece of cake always happy, filled with laughter and playtime. I remember my mother telling me about how when people die, some will donate their body parts, only if they're healthy and young enough.

I remember she said no one over fifty could donate, and I remember thinking how one any younger than that could die. Then I learned life will bite you in the ass any chance it will get, because it sucks.

I learned what cancer was when my grandfather died of lung cancer. I learned that some people are evil, when my seven year old cousin was beaten to death by her father.

I learned that some people try to take their life into their own hands and end it, when my best friend drowned in his bathtub.

I learned that some people have no consideration for others at all, when a teacher who was thirty four and had only been married for a year, with a pregnant wife was hit by a drunk driver. He died on impact.

I learned that shit happens, when a neighbor was burned to death when his house caught on fire. I've learned that pain is everywhere, when a little girl at the airport was told that her mother was not coming home, that she had been killed overseas.

It's now midnight, and the mass I decided to attend is almost over. I don't know why I'm here, it's just that it's so cold outside and my house was just so overbearing and the church just looked so warm and inviting.

I had slipped in before the first reading and did not go to receive the Body of Christ while everyone kneeled, I stayed hunched over in the pew. An old lady sat at the other end, and every now and again she kept giving me odd looks.

They told the Nativity story and the candles were lit. Now most were gone, but I lingered, wanting to stay as long as I was allowed.

I shrugged my head into my hands and rubbed my temples. It had been a really exhausting day. The seat next to me creaked as someone sat down.

I spared a glance over to find the old lady from before.

"Why are you sad, dear?" She asked.

"I'm sorry what?"

"You heard me."

"I just.. I don't know." I stuttered.

"Oh, yes you do!" she began. "I'm an old lady! I've been around long enough to know when someones alright or not. I'm old not senile."

I let out a small scoff. "Where to begin."

"Well go on! Why don't you start on the smaller things, and work your way up." She suggested.

"Umm.. okay. I- I don't really have any friends."

"And why's that?"

"I..I don't know. I never really did anything wrong." Why did I have no friends? What did I ever do?

"I used to but then I got sent away for kissing another boy, and from there life really just spiraled out of control. My parents never fed me, I cut, I made myself sick, I'm ugly, and fat, and will never amount to anything and.. and I can't even look at myself in the mirror because of all the bullies and the bruises they leave. How could anyone ever love me!" I became a sniveling mess, letting silent tears pour down my cheeks.

"Well, that's stupid!" She said.

"W-what?" I yelped.

"It's stupid how all of that stemmed from something as simple as you kissing another boy." She explained. "From what I can see you are a gorgeous human being, and those kids don't know what they're missing out on, because God loves you."

"Yeah! But why did God let this happen?" I exclaimed frustrated. "Why did he let my grandfather die? Why did he let my cousin get beaten to death? Why did he let Keith drown, or Mr. Harris die? Or my neighbor's house burning down, or that little girl who grew up motherless? What about that?!"

She let out a long, thoughtful sigh before speaking again. "I don't really know. I'm not God. But I don't think he lets bad things happen, I think they just do. He gave us free will and if he steps in every time, what's the point? We wouldn't be able to make our own choices. But that's only what I believe."

We settled into a lapse of silence, until she decided to speak once again.

"And dear, this life may have bad things, but it's good, and it's the only one you got. Do what you can to make yourself happy." And then she was gone, leaving me alone with my heavy thoughts.

The wooden door to the church clunked closed behind me and the cold filled my lungs. I shivered and stuck my hands in my pocket. I felt a blunt corner jab into my index finger, and I let out a surprised squeal.

Dans' present. I still hadn't opened it!

I pulled out the small green box, and examined the silver ribbon and tiny card that said it was from Dan and was for me.

I gingerly untied the bow, and lifted the top from the box. A piece of paper was folded neatly and I took it out first.

_Dear Phil,_

_I know we haven't known each other that long, and I apologise about how rude I was. But this isn't what this is about. We've been dating a few weeks now, and we've been friends even longer. _

_But I know the way you think of yourself and I want you to see the way I think of you. I see the gorgeous, intelligent, courageous young man that I am __**so**__ lucky to have in my life._

_I love your concentration face, I think it's so unbearably cute. I love how your hand fits perfectly with mine, or how sweet your lips taste and how good they feel._

_I love your laugh and your deep morning voice, and the way your hair sticks up in odd angles and the sweat pouring off your skin, after I've just pleasured you._

_I love when you cuddle with me or when you smile and your tongue pokes out. Or how you talk, it still surprises me how much you can._

_I adore the color of your eyes, how they weld together to form brilliant shades of blue and green with yellow mixed in._

_But most of all I love you. Every bump and curve, every habit, mannerism, and imperfection. _

_You are irresistible and irreplaceable._

_I love you more than anything my brave little lion,_

_Dan._

I was in tears halfway through, stunned that someone could love me that much. Me! I nearly forgot the present underneath, as I tore off the tissue paper.

It glittered as I took it out. A silver band with a hint of blue, wound it's way into a spiral of seemingly random lines, formed the head of a roaring lion.

Giddy with joy, I slipped on the ring and whipped out my outdated flip-phone, that was my only communication with my father now-a-days.

I rang Dan and told him to be in front of his house if five. He groggily agreed, and I went sprinting down the street to his house.

I hardly registered anything as I ran, only one thing on my mind; Dan.

His house became clear and in the distance I saw a tall figure illuminated by the front porch light. I didn't stop running until I was in the figures arms and my lips were attached to theirs.

"What's wrong?"

"I love you too!" I said firmly.

His face softened and he gave me a quick peck. He took my face in his hands and cooed. "Love you're freezing!"

"I know! Price to pay for running here!" I giggled.

He bent down to capture my lips with his once more and I clutched my hand into his shirt.

"Dan, what in heavens name are you doing out here, and who is that" Mrs. Howell screeched.

"It's Phil, remember him mum?" Dan asked.

"Yes, I do, but what's that got to do with the price of tea in China?" She retorted.

""Well I was just wondering if he could stay the night?"

"He can, but why does that require you to stand out in the freezing rain?" She asked.

"Uh..No reason?" He said.

"I'm a little worried that you phrased it like a question, but no matter! We will just have to warm up your friend there, with warm blankets and hot chocolate!" She cheered.

"Thanks mom." I laughed while being guided inside. I shrugged off my jacket, and he threw it on the coat rack.

I slipped my freezing hand into his and we walked to the living room. He grabbed a blanket from a closet and draped it over my shoulders.

He pressed a few chaste kisses to my lips before walking back into the kitchen to get our hot cocoa.

The mug almost burned my hand, but the heat was a welcome change. The couch dipped next to me and an arm was swung over my shoulder.

He set his cup on the coffee table and put his free hand on my thigh rubbing it up and down. plopped down on the seat next to the couch, gripping her drink tightly.

"So Phil, may I ask why you came to my house at midnight on Christmas eve?"

Uh? Why was I here? How could I even explain that to her?

"Can we do this later please?" Dan asked. "It's really late, and we have to go to bed soon, because John is going to wake us up at the crack of dawn."

"Fair enough. But this conversation is not over!" She ordered.

"Aye, aye Captain!" Dan saluted.

Dan showed me the way to his room, hot cocoa still in our hands. Dan's house was enormous! Three stories, six bedrooms, five bathrooms, and a game room! Holy shit!

Dan abruptly stopped in front of a door, and twisted the knob, letting it swing open by itself. Dan's room was twice the size of our dorm. Posters littered the wall, a few chairs, nicknacks, a television, and a queen sized bed, smack dab in the middle.

He directed me to his bed, and I did as I was told. I took off my shoes and changed into the pajamas that Dan threw at my head. I climbed into bed and pulled the covers to my waist sipping on the cocoa.

He switched on the TV where a Christmas movie was displayed. He snuggled into my side, and we lied there, enjoying the others heat and hot cocoa.

Around one the tv was turned off, the cocoa finished, goodnight kisses were sneaked, and now we were spooning, Dan's protective arm over me, and our legs tangled together.

I was awoken at the god awful hour of seven, still in the same position we fell asleep in, by a little boy, jumping up and down, yelling 'Danny, wake up!'.

"Five more minutes!" Dan grumbled, gripping me tighter, burying his face into my back.

"Get him up will you mystery man?" The boy asked.

I smiled at the funny kid, presumably Dan's brother, and detached myself from Dan. I turned over and booped his nose, making him grumble again.

His coffee colored eyes, fluttered opened, and focused on me. He smiled and planted a kiss on my cheek.

"Well, now that your awake, I'm gonna go! I wanna open presents soon, so hurry up!" John said, before scrambling off the bad and running out the door.

"That was my little brother John." Dan explained. "He loves Christmas."

I huffed out a laugh and sat up. "No kidding."

"Yeah, wait here!" He sprung out of the bed and ran into his closet, rumaging about for something.

He emerged a few moments later, with a small bag in his hands.

"Oh, another present Dan you didn't have to!" I said, feeling guilt swell in my chest.

"I know I didn't have to, but I did. And I don't want you feeling bad, because I know you don't have money to spend, and I'll feel bad if you spend it on me. So here, take it."

I gently took the gift, and removed the wrapping. Inside was a little stuffed bear, a chocolate bar, and a blue plaid shirt.

I took his face into my hands and punctuated each word with a kiss. "Thank. You. So. Much. I. Love it."

"Good. Now I have to go, but I'll be back soon, I promise. There's a bathroom, right down the hall if you need it. Do whatever you want. I love you." And then he was gone, leaving me to munch on my chocolate bar and cuddle the bear.

I'm in way too deep.

* * *

><p><strong>HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO LONG! (that's what she said...sorry.) <strong>

**I cannot be the only person who gives their friends chocolate for Christmas. That's like all I give.**

**And the cuteness has given me a tummy ache of butterflies. **

**OKAY BUT THIS IS OVER THREE THOUSAND WORDS! LIKE WHAT?! Holy cow.**

**Yeah well for once, I don't have anything to say here, sooo? Tell me if there's any mistakes I guess?**

**I don't proofread this shit.**

**Ta ta!**


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